Show Yourself

In my post Bud of Hope, I showed you a rosebud that was giving me great hope that this time, I won’t kill my roses.  I’ve been meaning to post this updated pic, but lost track of time (not unusual for me since my head is usually in the clouds ;)).  This is what my rosebud looked like when it decided to open itself to the world:

budofhopeopens_lauren

 

It is my continued wish/hope that I will be able to continue opening myself up to the world  — and not in my usual black and white, right and wrong fashion (one of the “great” things about having borderline personality disorder is my inability to avoid the extremes).  I want to express myself, and learn to let go of the fear of judgment.  I want to allow myself the freedom to just be.

Just be.

That sounds lovely.

 

4 thoughts on “Show Yourself

  1. By the extremes here do you mean either exposing everything and making yourself totally vulnerable, versus closing down completely? I probably have some of that in me! And of going back and forth between a lot of confidence and bravado in being myself, to feeling my worth depends on other people validating me…I’m not sure if that’s how you meant this…I too am working on self acceptance, and on connecting with others who do accept me…I have to also realize that some will not accept me out there, and not worry so much when it happens, but, it’s hard…and also I have to take others needs into account when overall they do accept me, their right not to be overwhelmed by pressures from me to fulfill my needs…on the other side of that…I have a right to have needs and be myself and I need others who respect that…

    Have you heard of DBT? One thing in it I find useful is its emphasis on balancing two opposing aspects of things…not that that is cut and dry, but can be useful a lot of times…

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    1. Lauren

      I think I meant “extremes” more in the sense of my whole life, everything being black/white, up/down, and having trouble with that middle ground in most areas. overall, I tend to be more closed down, so my blog is an experiment for me, to see if I can suck out some of the poison and figure out how to move past everything. even when I’m manic, I rarely feel a sense of confidence… I usually just feel like I’m nothing. 😦 I completely see where you’re coming from and am trying to connect with others who might understand me a bit and, if not, at least not judge. I want to get and give support. and I struggle with the idea of meeting my own needs but not overwhelming others. hmm. now I wonder how I did mean that all ….

      Here comes the sad thing: I’ve actually been through DBT twice, back in 2008. I graduated! and while there are some aspects of it that have helped (esp. dealing with physical pain), there’s some kind of disconnect for me. I can recite the principles but applying them (i.e. to not self-harming, not judging myself) confuses me. the only skill I am super good at it is taking a brief vacation, except my “vacations” aren’t so brief, lol. I’m currently trying to find a new therapist, so I’m sure DBT is going to be on my treatment plan again eventually. maybe this time I’ll be able to figure it out. 🙂

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