So Emotional

My mother when I was 12; with her tears and expectations and confusion about why I couldn’t be a normal child:  “You’re such a drama queen.”

My grandfather when I was 12; with his groping hands, whiskey breath and hellish intentions:  “Calm down, I’m not hurting you.”

My uncle when I was 12; with his disbelief about what his father did to me:  “He didn’t do anything to you.  But if he did, it’s not his fault.  He was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing.  Why didn’t you stop him?  And no one’s going to want you if you keep acting like this.”

My father when I was 12:   Silence.  oh yeah, he didn’t say anything because he wasn’t there.

Yes, I’m emotional.  And all of you played a big role in the reason why I am.  So fucking deal with it.

There. I feel better.
Less emotional.

4 thoughts on “So Emotional

    1. Lauren

      Most of the time I do, but sometimes the old tapes start playing and I hear my grandfather saying things about me no child should ever hear. Then I remind myself, he’s gone and can’t hurt me anymore.

      Thank you so much for your comment, and your support! I appreciate it more than I can say. 🙂

      Like

    1. Lauren

      I don’t know if you realize how powerful what you just said to me was, but it’s immensely powerful. I was told for so long to calm down, when I had every right to be upset, or scared, or angry. What I could kick myself for now is the fact that I let people who had no right tell me what to do. I should say though, that my mom has really stuck by me and has changed a lot from who she was then to now. back when I was a kid, even when the shrink told her I needed to be hospitalized, she refused to believe there was anything wrong with me. now she’s an advocate for me and has apologized. she uses terms like “invalidate,” lol. and I’m trying very hard to forgive her and to stop blaming her. but it’s hard … a total mindfuck, like you said!!!

      Like

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