I’m Sorry

“I’m sorry I left you so long in the dark.”

– Leigh Bardugo, Shadow and Bone

This is what I should say to the little girl inside me who was so hurt and scared for continuing the abuse myself long after my abusers stopped.  Because despite the damage they did, my war with myself has been much more lethal than anything they could ever have said or done to me.  I set out to systematically destroy and sabotage and I’ve done a damn good job of it.  But I’ve been thinking lately that maybe it’s time the punishment finally stopped.  Maybe I’ve done enough penance for … I don’t know what, actually.  I’ve made mistakes, I’ve hurt people, and I know that.  But in my core I’m a decent person and I deserve a shot at happiness.

That’s what I’m telling myself today, in this moment anyway.

“I’m sorry I left you so long in the dark.”

And I am.  I am so, so sorry.  I’m sorry that I believed the lies they leveled at you over what I knew to be true; I took their poison and let it run through my veins.  I’m sorry for the scars and the scathing words.  I’m sorry I hurt you by binging and purging and hiding from the light.  I did the best I could at the time, but that rings so hollow now.

I love you, little girl.  And from now on, I want to protect you and nurture you in a way I never have before.  It’s time to heal.

healbrokenheart

8 thoughts on “I’m Sorry

    1. Lauren

      I’m so happy to hear you’re recovering, for your sake and mine. 🙂 It’s always reassuring to know that it’s possible; that someone else has beaten the odds and is finding their way out.

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    1. Lauren

      thank you. 🙂 I feel like a fraud, because where I’m at this morning isn’t where I was at that day, but I guess that’s the fluidity of feeling… just have to keep going and reminding myself that I deserve to heal.

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  1. Thank you for pointing me to this post, Lauren. It is absolutely beautiful. So many times I want to hold my “little girl” tenderly in my hands like the photo shows. It is time to heal…the abuse is over.

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    1. Lauren

      I’m glad you liked it … I was worried you would think it was self-promotion, and I didn’t mean it that way, I just thought you would be able to relate to it since we were on the same wavelength there. 🙂 when the negative voices in my head start screaming, I’m trying to think, “What would you say to that little girl? Would you let someone speak to her that way or would you protect her?” Of course, I would protect her, so then I tell myself I need to give myself the same love and protection. it’s a very, very hard process though. very tiring.

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  2. This is exactly what my therapist tells me to do…to be gentle and kind to this little girl, and to protect her. And you are right, this process takes a lot of energy.

    No worries about the “self-promotion” thing. Truthfully, all I thought was, “She could have at least left me the name of the post!” I knew where you were coming from. Thank you for being this open with me.

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