… I’m saying that I have to change the way I eat; the way I treat my body so carelessly. I’ve been sick this morning because I binged, and now I’m feeling guilty and thinking bad thoughts. I don’t know how, but this has to stop. I can’t keep going this way. I binge and purge (or simply binge sometimes) and then the self-loathing and guilt kicks in, and then I think “What does it matter now?” and I keep doing it. I don’t know how many times I’ve said I want to get better, but my actions don’t bear that out. I’ve been bulimic since I was eleven years old and the thought of not having that coping mechanism makes me panic. But the consequences of what I’ve done (and continue to do) to my body are dire. If I don’t change I’ll die. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually my body will say “enough” and that will be it. When my doctor did blood work recently, she called and told me I had to go to the ER to get a potassium replacement because my potassium was so low. Now I’m having to take supplements to try to keep it at a normal level, because low potassium can cause all sorts of issues, such as irregular heartbeat, muscle cramps, chills, headaches, nausea/vomiting and extreme fatigue. (That would explain the fact I’m wearing a sweatshirt in 85 degree weather.) My doctor doesn’t know I’ve been purging, although I did tell my psychiatrist about it at my appointment this past Tuesday.
So here I am. I feel shittier than usual physically because of what I’ve done to myself. Mom is scared and doesn’t know what to do. I’m scared and I feel stuck in this viscous cycle. I honestly thought I was getting better, and then bam! I’m back to old behaviors.
It all boils down to self-worth: Do I feel, do I know, that I’m worthy of getting better and healthier? I don’t know the answer to that question yet and until I do, I doubt I’ll change. You have to want it bad enough and you have to believe that you deserve it. I thought I was making progress in that regard but
maybe obviously not. But there is hope and I’m hanging on to that as hard as I can.
Still, this is how I feel today:
If you’re still reading this, thank you for listening.