Once Again …

…  I’m saying that I have to change the way I eat; the way I treat my body so carelessly.  I’ve been sick this morning because I binged, and now I’m feeling guilty and thinking bad thoughts.  I don’t know how, but this has to stop.  I can’t keep going this way.  I binge and purge (or simply binge sometimes) and then the self-loathing and guilt kicks in, and then I think “What does it matter now?” and I keep doing it.  I don’t know how many times I’ve said I want to get better, but my actions don’t bear that out.  I’ve been bulimic since I was eleven years old and the thought of not having that coping mechanism makes me panic.  But the consequences of what I’ve done (and continue to do) to my body are dire.  If I don’t change I’ll die.  Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually my body will say “enough” and that will be it.  When my doctor did blood work recently, she called and told me I had to go to the ER to get a potassium replacement because my potassium was so low.  Now I’m having to take supplements to try to keep it at a normal level, because low potassium can cause all sorts of issues, such as irregular heartbeat, muscle cramps, chills, headaches, nausea/vomiting and extreme fatigue.  (That would explain the fact I’m wearing a sweatshirt in 85 degree weather.)  My doctor doesn’t know I’ve been purging, although I did tell my psychiatrist about it at my appointment this past Tuesday.

So here I am.  I feel shittier than usual physically because of what I’ve done to myself.   Mom is scared and doesn’t know what to do.  I’m scared and I feel stuck in this viscous cycle.  I honestly thought I was getting better, and then bam! I’m back to old behaviors.

It all boils down to self-worth:  Do I feel, do I know, that I’m worthy of getting better and healthier?  I don’t know the answer to that question yet and until I do, I doubt I’ll change.  You have to want it bad enough and you have to believe that you deserve it.  I thought I was making progress in that regard but maybe obviously not.  But there is hope and I’m hanging on to that as hard as I can.

Still, this is how I feel today:

express

If you’re still reading this, thank you for listening.

xoxo

14 thoughts on “Once Again …

  1. Ya know…the idea of being worthy may be a false one. If you are here…you are worthy. There’s nothing to think about. You are a beautiful person, you are here to live and make decisions about your life and the way you want your life to be. Worthiness does not enter into it. Choices do. You are wonderful already. You are perfect, even if the media tells you differently. It’s all a big game and the the game is all about not believing the rules of the game. Some of the rules include hating yourself. That’s a big one to laugh at and ignore. Another rule is that your aren’t good enough. Who says? And who cares about who is making the rules. Life is partly about OVERCOMING the stupid and impossible rules that were and are set up by OTHERS. I don’t know you but I already know you are totally good enough for ANYTHING you choose to do. Starving yourself to meet some weird standard set by controlling and hateful individuals is something we all have to over come. Look what’s happening to role models in film. I can’t even RECOGNIZE half of them anymore. They can’t make an EXPRESSION anymore, their faces are so tight and alien looking. They have bought into the game, younger is better, thinner is better, this or that is better…but those are simply arbitrary rules made by SOMEONE ELSE. Be who you are and all the time. Nothing to hate yourself for because you are absolutely PERFECT THE WAY YOU ARE. You mother loves you the way you are. The universe wouldn’t waste time putting you here if it didn’t love you the way you are so take a good look at yourself in the mirror and the only words that should come out of your mouth are, “I am fabulous. I am beautiful and I can do anything I want to do because I am perfect.” Stop yourself from saying bad things to yourself IMMEDIATELY! Only say wonderful things to yourself because that is what you deserve to hear. You just have to reprogram yourself to believe the good things instead of the things society wants you to believe. Good luck. I believe in you. I know you can do it…only say good things and it will be come a habit and bad thoughts will eventually roll off your back like water off a duck. It might be hard in the beginning but it will get easier. Try it…you are beautiful…say it until you see it and know that it is true.

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    1. Lauren

      You’re so right about film stars… there are so many women who said they loved themselves “just the way I am” and then the next time you see them they’ve lost weight and are completely different. I’ve spent most of my life playing society’s game, and a lot of what you said really hit me. I DON’T have to live by their rules anymore, I can make my own … give myself the freedom to be who *I* want and fuck the ones who don’t like it. Just as you suggested, I need to keep saying this to myself, even if I don’t believe it now eventually I will. thank you for your thoughts, and encouragement, and truth-telling. it was a good smack in the face because you’ve reminded me of how I used to feel, before everything fell apart. thank you!!!

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  2. I wish I could wave a magic wand of words to lift you up out of these feelings of despair. I know I can’t but what I can do is tell you that you are very brave to share your honest feelings as you have in this post. Most wouldn’t. I have a lot of respect for that. Try and hang in there as best as you can – perhaps tomorrow will be better. Also, I couldn’t click the like button – it seemed really inappropriate.

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    1. Lauren

      thank you so much, Jackie! today IS a better day … I admit, I avoided coming back here yesterday because I couldn’t believe I had posted this and was feeling really vulnerable. I thought about deleting it, but had decided no, it needs to stay because I vowed to myself to share all my experiences here. and then I read the comments left, and I was glad I didn’t delete it. your support, and encouragement, mean the world. sometimes hanging in is all you can and I did it. 🙂 your comment really uplifted me!! and I completely understand about not clicking the “like” button. they should offer a different option for posts like this … maybe a “wow, thanks for sharing” button or something, lol. I appreciate you!!!

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  3. Forest So Green

    I want you to know how much courage I think you have for writing this post. And even though we have never met, I know you are a beautiful person because all life is beautiful. I hope this post is the first step in a new and positive direction for you. Hugs, Annie

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    1. Lauren

      Annie, you really inspire me, because you leave the most beautiful and uplifting comments. 🙂 thank you for your well wishes and your support!!! I hope this post is the first step too … as my pdoc keeps telling me, one little step at a time, don’t think too much about the big picture. and one thing I will do is remind myself of what you said, that I am a beautiful person (and that all life is beautiful, because sometimes it’s hard to see that). thank you!!!!! hugs

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  4. I’m glad that you didn’t delete this post. It’s inspiring and refreshing when people have that ability to be truly honest with themselves, no matter how painful that truth may be. You are worthy, and being healthy and happy is something that you should keep holding on and hoping for. None of this is easy, but continuing on is the only way to save your life, and not just in the physical sense. Look after yourself and keep soldiering away.

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    1. Lauren

      I don’t know how I missed this comment, but thank you so much for the encouragement! I’m not doing things perfectly, and I need to accept I never will… but I’m continuing to try, so I guess that will have to be good enough, because you’re right about saving my life in more ways than just physically. 🙂

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  5. One step at a time, don’t punish yourself for the past. Enough is enough, just try. And keep trying. I’ve been trying to say “crudite everyday.” As a mantra to eat healthier, crudite being french for raw veggies, not just for me but for my kids, too. I backslide, and then I try again.

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      1. Don’t all of us women have the Barbie image handed to us practically at birth? Dang!! I don’t care about weight (Ok, maybe that’s a lie but I’m trying to believe it) but I do care about eating healthy. And I care about you, and I want you to eat healthy, too!!

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    1. Lauren

      what you said here actually had an impact on me, and has led me to follow through on my desire to be a vegetarian. 🙂 one of the most profound things someone can say to me is “I don’t want you to hurt yourself,” which is what you said to me. thank you.

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      1. I want you to love yourself. You deserve to love yourself. The world deserve a you who is the best, most loving and sensitive you. Everyday is a day with potential, wonder and magic in it. I’m so happy I was able to help you feel better inside. That makes me feel better inside, too. 🙂

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