I didn’t want to go, but I went and saw my psychiatrist today.  She said a lot of positive things, a lot of nice things, but all I keep thinking about is that she told me that she’s gone as far with me as she can with me without therapy; that the pills and my visits to her are keeping me alive, but that’s basically it.  It’s a type of limbo; I’m not even flatlining.  I call it “baselining,” as in I’m baseline functioning ~ all surviving, almost no thriving.  I’m already on 80 mg of prozac for the bulimia and while it seemed to help at first, that was temporary.  And I haven’t been able to find a therapist I can afford, so when my pdoc said that, I said I should just quit coming because there’s nothing else she can do for me and there’s no point.  That’s how I feel.  There’s no fucking point.   I do realize part of my problem is that I don’t want to go back into therapy, even if I could afford it.  I don’t feel as if I can trust therapists anymore, because my last one said he “wanted to be there for the whole journey” and then when I screwed up, he cut me loose.  All that pain and vulnerability left hanging out there with nowhere to go except back inside me.  Poison re-swallowed.  Yum.

And I’m just so sick of this shit.

On the up side, I had a truly excellent cup of coffee this morning.



3 thoughts on “Baselining

  1. Sorry to hear this Lauren. Now I understand your message on my blog.

    In the UK, we moan about the long waiting lists for therapy, when we should probably be more grateful that it’s available. I understand why you are feeling “what’s the point”, but that can be a very soul destroying position to be in. The comment from the Psychiatrist certainly doesn’t help, but I’m not so sure if it is a good idea just to stop seeing her (unless, of course, she is saying this).

    It sounds like the Psychitrist thinks therapy is imperative to your recovery. My experience of Psychiatrists is that they are not there for therapy. They seem to be people who diagnose and prescribe. I’m not sure where you are, but maybe some therapists might negotiate the rate. What about doing something online? Blogging can be a good source of therapy, without it, I would never be brave enough to start the “real therapy”

    Antidepressants can be a weird one. I’ve heard so many success stories, but they haven’t ever really helped me. Although, a Psychiatrist once suggested that things would feel a lot worse without them. Time will tell because I’m just about to come of them as a trial


    1. I don’t know if I’d say you should be more grateful, b/c it sounds like you still deal with a lot of the issues I do, which is trying to navigate a system that’s broken. Since I’m on mental health disability, I can’t afford to go to a private therapist, which means I’m having to call around and try to find someone who either takes my insurance or works on a sliding scale. What happens is I either make “too much” money (what a joke), or not enough (as in a private therapist). Add to that the fact that although there are therapists accepting new patients (I live in Ohio, USA), 98% of them won’t accept patients with a borderline diagnosis. I often wish our system in the US was like yours, because basically I’m on a waiting list right now with the added “benefit” (ha) of trying to figure out how to afford it if by some miracle I get help.

      I think that’s the crux of why I say that I don’t want help, because I don’t see any way it’s going to happen any time soon, and I’m even more distrustful of the system than I was previously. Since I have to go to free clinics basically, I’ve had more therapists quit/move away/etc and had to start over (and over) way too often. My psychiatrist feels that therapy IS vital to my recovery, but she also made it clear she still wants me to show up for my appointments with her to keep me going (she actually told me that she’s happy I keep showing up and that she’s enjoying getting to know me).

      Cat, thank you so much for listening, and caring enough to ask in the first place. you actually made me re-examine how I was looking at that meeting with my pdoc and realize I’m the one wanting to run away and just let the doom and gloom consume me. that hurts less than allowing myself to hope and feeling as if it was for nothing. but I need to correct my b/w thinking and remember, this is NOT an all or nothing thing … it’s just about teeny, tiny baby steps of progress, or maybe just not going backwards.


      1. It’s very unfortunate that some Therapists still refuse to treat people with Borderline. I’m guessing that comes from an old belief that BPD cannot be treated. Perhaps it is just as well you don’t see those T’s because it sounds as if they are still very much behind the times.

        I think we can often hold ourselves back from things as a means of self-protection from any more disappointment. Maybe we don’t consider ourselves worthy enough to have things any better.

        Your last para about running away sounds so familiar to my own circumstances. Sometimes, when we feel like we’re going backwards, we are actually preparing to launch ourselves into the next leg of our journey.


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