Unworthy

This is the letter I sent to my father four months ago.  I gave him my e-mail, my cell, my landline, my address … and I have yet to hear one word from him.  I’m not even worth enough to him to waste the cost of a stamp or the seconds it takes to send a “fuck off” e-mail.

i. am. nothing.

(God this hurts.  No wonder I either eat my pain or slice it away.)

~x♥

Dear Dad,

 

It’s Laurie. I’m sure you’re shocked to be hearing from me, but I hope you’ll read this all the way through. I’m not asking for money or anything like that; there are just a few things I wanted to say to you while I have the courage.

I had to look up your address to send this to you and I see you’re in TN now. I’ve seen photos (not to mention vague remembrances of being there myself) and it’s really beautiful there – peaceful. I bet you’re a lot happier there. At least I hope you are. Being away from the city would be wonderful. I’m realizing the value of your own space and what “home” really means every day.

I don’t want to rehash the past or who did what, because it isn’t necessary. You warned me once about “the man in the mirror” and you were right. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror every day, and that’s my own fault, just like our estrangement is my fault. But I also want you to know that I’ve always loved you and I always will. You’ll always be my Dad and in my heart, and in my memories of looking for arrowheads and the “talking” car light named Shawn and my feeling so damn proud listening to you play the guitar at the **** Friday nights. Though I’m not a country music fan, I have a full collection of Kenny Rogers (I still love “Coward of the County”). It hurts that you aren’t part of my life and most of the time I try to shove it deep down where I can’t feel it but sometimes that’s impossible. And I want to tell you I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you leave/distrust me and that if I could change things, I would.  One thing I’m deeply sorry and ashamed for is the fact I took Mom’s maiden name. I thought if I changed my name I would hurt less, and that I would somehow change and because this awesome new person who didn’t screw up all the time … but it made things hurt even more and became another screw up (one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, of my life). I’m still Laurie ***** and always will be. You need to know that.

I know you can’t stand me now, so this isn’t fair, but the reason I’m writing to you is that I just – please, please, please I need to hear from you that at one point you loved me and were happy to be my father (assuming that’s true – if it’s not, then tell me that). Please. Please. I’ve lost so much of my life, Dad, and I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to find peace. If I could just know at one point I was worth something, maybe it would help. I know I have no right to ask you for anything but I’m asking (obviously more like begging) anyway.

I really, really hope you’ll respond to this, and say whatever you need or want to say, however harsh or hurtful it may be. I mean obviously, I’m hoping that you won’t say I was a mistake, but if that’s how you feel, say it. I just need to know how you feel about me, if you feel anything, and I will never bother you again. I owe you that much.  I’m sorry Dad.  Whatever I did to cause you to hate me, I’m sorry.  Please forgive me.

I love you, Daddy. No matter what. I hope you’ll be happy and enjoy your life. I wonder if you still go to pistol matches?

 

Love,

Laurie

5 thoughts on “Unworthy

  1. Let go ~ you done your best ~ he has his path and you have yours ~ You are beautiful just the way you are ~ I don’t know how old you are but be a ‘Dad’ to yourself ~ love yourself and trust the Universe will connect you and Dad when the time is right ~ In the meantime ~ sending you lots of distant reiki healing hugs ~ Suggest you read The Prophet by Gibran ~ xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My dear Lauren, I haven’t read enough of your posts to know if you’ve given more details on the estrangement between your and your father (I read that you said it was your fault). I identified with this post because my father abandoned us when I was six years old. His entire family also abandoned us and blamed the divorce on my mother. The reason for the split: my father cheated and had a child with another woman. However, his parents continued to blame my mom and wanted nothing to do with us. All I wanted to say is that please don’t blame yourself or whatever happened between you and your Dad. You two are family, you’re the same blood, and a parent should always be there for their child. I wish you the best. Take care.♥

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Cinnamon (I’m not sure what I should call you? so no offense is meant by the casual use of your name there, lol, but I digress. as usual.)

      I’ve thrown out details here and there but have never really delved deeply because I’ve been too emotionally lazy to put it all out there and try to deal with it. Even now, at my age, it bleeds. My Dad left the first time when I was 6 as well, and he was back and gone, back and gone, until my Mom ultimately couldn’t take it anymore and forced herself to divorce him. He was cheating on Mom and she didn’t even try to stop him; all she did was ask him to stay home three nights a week. that’s it. She sacrificed her self-worth because she loved him so much. SHe never did remarry, or even date anyone, after the divorce. I knew way too much for my age, partially because I was always referred to as “precocious” and “an old soul who understood too much,” and partially because I was my mother’s best friend and so she would talk to me about their relationship and what was happening.

      I had a point when I started this but I kind of lost my way here — I think I mainly just wanted to return the favor of sharing, because I know it’s very difficult to trust and to share, and I want you to know I respect and treasure that. Vulnerability … such a scary word.

      Anyway, sorry to go on so long, and thank you so much for your words and support!!!! ♥♥♥

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dearest Lauren, I should say Thank You! also. I am honored that you shared your feelings with me. Please call me Cara and know that I am always here to listen when you need a friend. Feel free to say anything because that’s the point of our blogs. It’s the only way we can get rid of all the poison that been rotting inside us. Please keep sharing and I will keep reading. We’re friends now sweetheart!♥

        Liked by 1 person

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