Bad Night

Warning:  possible triggers.

The body of missing OSU student Kosta Karageorge was found this morning and fuck it, I’m not a journalist, even though I had always thought I would be.  I’m a person who has been watching this story with the rest of the city (the country) and hoping for the best but expecting the worst.  When I read the text he had sent his mother the day he went missing apologizing for being “an embarrassment,” I knew.  But it’s still a shock when you hear the cold truth.  And as usual, when I hear about a suicide, I start to cry and I think Why am I still here instead of themIt should be me.

How selfish and narcissistic is that?  Very.  This is about Kosta and his family and friends, not me.  But part of me desperately wishes I could give him back his life and I would be found in the dumpster instead.  He had more to live for than I do and a much more optimistic future.  As one psychiatrist told me, I’m a waste of space.  I don’t contribute anything to society.  So I think  Someone like me should be dead, not him.

I’m so fucked up tonight.  Hearing the news that another person has been lost to suicide is just the excuse trigger  (??) I needed to hurt myself but I’m still feeling too much.  Think it’s time to move on to the Klonopin and see if I can stop this self-destructive streak.  Don’t worry — despite how this all sounds, I’m not going to kill myself.  I’m hanging in there and hoping for a better tomorrow.  But tonight I need to zone out and shut down.

love to you all.  I mean that.  You matter.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline:  1-800-273-8255

20 thoughts on “Bad Night

    1. she actually got rid of me. this was my first meeting with her (what an impression!) and she told me that I wasn’t worth her time and to find someone who dealt with hopeless cases like me; that I would be dead within six months and I’d be better off then. I literally RAN out of her office crying, which is unlike me, I don’t usually show emotion in public like that. my mom had driven me and she took one look at me and got me the hell out of there.

      it is now two years later and I am still here. 🙂

      thank you so, so much for your supportive message!!! I appreciate it more than I can express. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  1. risinghawk

    Whatever you may be, you damn sure aren’t a waste of space. The two days previous to this I had to go to the Klonopin just to be able to breathe through the day. They were a rocket-sled ride through anxiety hell. Don’t know why – no triggers that I could consciously determine. I hadn’t taken one during the day in weeks. Today is a better day, and you’re better days are right around the corner. You should be HERE, not in a dumpster, because people like me need to know we aren’t alone. No one alive holds any more value to the world than you do – those thoughts are lies put forth by the mnster of the condition you fac and overcome every day. Peace . . .

    Liked by 2 people

    1. risinghawk, your message brought tears to my eyes. Maybe there’s something in the air re: anxiety because I’ve been forced to use the Klonopin as well. I’m so glad that today was a better day for you. it was for me too. 🙂 you are definitely NOT alone and if there is ever anything I can do to help, I’m here. thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. Peace to both of us !!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This was the Psychiatrists messed up head spilling into your assessment. Thank God he/she got rid of you because you deserve much better, Lauren. News stories like this do have the habit of getting to us, but I hope you’re okay

    Liked by 2 people

    1. thank you so much for your thoughts, Cat. I’m here and hanging in and sometimes that’s all I hope for. In hindsight, I am very lucky I didn’t end up with her as my pdoc but the things she said still echo in my mind because they’re things I’ve said to myself. it was external validation that my worst thoughts and fears about myself are accurate. finding a new pdoc is a roll of the dice though, and I know that logically, so there are bound to be “bad” ones. I just wish she hadn’t honed in so successfully on my self-hatred.

      much love to you!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That Psychiatrist wasn’t specifically homing in on the things you tell yourself. It doesn’t take Freud to know that all of us with MH issues have those same self-hatred and worthless feelings, so he/she was an idiot. Who knows what the Psychiatrists reasons might have been. To be honest, if any pdoc can talk to a client like that, their reasoning isn’t worth knowing.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. you’re so right!! I just need to hold on to that when I hear her voice in my head. she isn’t worth the time and energy I’ve given her, but as I’m reading the comments here and thinking, it’s about me not her.

      this is why I love comments and commenting. because sometimes answers are right in front of you and you miss it, but others see so clearly. thank you.

      big hugs!!


  3. You are a precious human being who I spend a fair amount of time corresponding with. Enough to know that you are intelligent, and funny, and compassionate, and a whole lot of other qualities that that fraud of a psychiatrist seemed to be lacking, so no more worrying about him/her, alright? I’m sorry about the bad news you got, it really is sad, but it would be no less sad if it had been you that was found, so get that thought out of your head. Your life is no less valuable than anyone else’s, and that includes mine, or anyone else that you know, And we all know it, and are real happy about it. So stay strong, and I’ll read you later.


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