Warning: This is not a shiny, happy post and is going to contain reference to self-harm, even if only in a vague way. And it’s long so you might want to grab a drink. 🙂
I’ll start this off by saying I know I’m a shitty person. I have a lot to work on, especially anger management — actually, emotion regulation in general. I’m fighting hard right now not to scream because I’m so pissed and feeling so trapped. When Mom and I are fighting, I have nowhere to go. It’s a 990 square foot apartment and our bedrooms are right fucking next to each other. Yesterday we went to the movies (saw “Mockingjay Part I,” which was a present for me since Mom doesn’t like the films) and then we came home and Mom went to bed really early. She didn’t feel well, or so she says. The last few days she seems to be feeling well/not well depending on what’s going on. Anyway, I felt abandoned and I admit it, and I know that’s a bad response. She has the right to go to bed whenever she wants. But it was Christmas, and I was extremely sad, and I didn’t want to be alone. (I want to mention that she did this last Christmas too. I don’t think she wants to deal with the pain of the holiday and I get that. Obviously, I get that. I really am trying hard to be fair here.) Then she started crying and I ended up telling her it was fine, I was fine, don’t worry about me. And I was so far from fucking fine, but whatever. What I needed was unimportant. I fought the urge to cut and was successful. Yay me. /end sarcasm
Now the walls are closing in around me and I can’t do a goddamn thing, unless I want to go out driving at midnight. Which I would do, except I’m so emotional I’m afraid I would hurt someone else and that’s the last thing I want. Mom told me before she went to bed tonight that I was acting mad and that all I do is yell at her. To be fair — I do yell at her sometimes. It feels like she’s not listening, so my volume increases and increases. But this evening I was actually being pretty calm and I didn’t deserve that. And she did it in such a passive-aggressive way; she started out by saying my name in that way to let me know she was unhappy, then the onus is on me to follow up and find out what I did wrong or why she’s upset. (My former therapist had several sessions with Mom and I and later told me that she also has borderline personality disorder. I wasn’t shocked.)
“Why don’t you just move?” you ask me. Well, the answer is codependency. Financial and emotional. Because of all of my financial fuck-ups I can’t afford to be out on my own. And even if I could, emotionally it would be a problem. I would be worried about Mom all the time and I don’t think I could hack it. Most of the time, I like being around to help her, and she helps me a lot more than I’ve expressed here because of my anger tonight. Besides, let’s be real: My anxiety and fears about bad things happening to me again comes into play. A lot of times I sleep during the day because I know she’s awake and I feel safer. The most important reason though is that I love her. It’s been her and me against the world since my Dad started checking out when I was six. We’ve only had each other to count on because of the dysfunction of the entire family (I won’t even go there, lol). Tonight I am not going to curb the urge to self-harm. I had hoped writing this post would get it all out, but it hasn’t, and all the emotion has nowhere else to go unless I let it out some other way. But I’m not suicidal, and I’m not homicidal (lol), so don’t worry. I know things will be better in the morning and Mom and I will continue our routine of push/pull. If you got this far, thank you for listening. And if you didn’t, I understand. Things have to change in 2015. They have to.