Trapped

Warning: This is not a shiny, happy post and is going to contain reference to self-harm, even if only in a vague way.  And it’s long so you might want to grab a drink.  🙂

I’ll start this off by saying I know I’m a shitty person.  I have a lot to work on, especially anger management — actually, emotion regulation in general.  I’m fighting hard right now not to scream because I’m so pissed and feeling so trapped.  When Mom and I are fighting, I have nowhere to go.  It’s a 990 square foot apartment and our bedrooms are right fucking next to each other.  Yesterday we went to the movies (saw “Mockingjay Part I,” which was a present for me since Mom doesn’t like the films) and then we came home and Mom went to bed really early.  She didn’t feel well, or so she says.  The last few days she seems to be feeling well/not well depending on what’s going on.  Anyway, I felt abandoned and I admit it, and I know that’s a bad response.  She has the right to go to bed whenever she wants.  But it was Christmas, and I was extremely sad, and I didn’t want to be alone.  (I want to mention that she did this last Christmas too.  I don’t think she wants to deal with the pain of the holiday and I get that.  Obviously, I get that.  I really am trying hard to be fair here.)  Then she started crying and I ended up telling her it was fine, I was fine, don’t worry about me.  And I was so far from fucking fine, but whatever.  What I needed was unimportant.   I fought the urge to cut and was successful.  Yay me. /end sarcasm

Now the walls are closing in around me and I can’t do a goddamn thing, unless I want to go out driving at midnight.  Which I would do, except I’m so emotional I’m afraid I would hurt someone else and that’s the last thing I want. Mom told me before she went to bed tonight that I was acting mad and that all I do is yell at her.  To be fair — I do yell at her sometimes.  It feels like she’s not listening, so my volume increases and increases.  But this evening I was actually being pretty calm and I didn’t deserve that.  And she did it in such a passive-aggressive way; she started out by saying my name in that way to let me know she was unhappy, then the onus is on me to follow up and find out what I did wrong or why she’s upset.  (My former therapist had several sessions with Mom and I and later told me that she also has borderline personality disorder.  I wasn’t shocked.)

“Why don’t you just move?” you ask me.   Well, the answer is codependency.  Financial and emotional.  Because of all of my financial fuck-ups I can’t afford to be out on my own.  And even if I could, emotionally it would be a problem.  I would be worried about Mom all the time and I don’t think I could hack it.  Most of the time, I like being around to help her, and she helps me a lot more than I’ve expressed here because of my anger tonight.  Besides, let’s be real: My anxiety and fears about bad things happening to me again comes into play.  A lot of times I sleep during the day because I know she’s awake and I feel safer.  The most important reason though is that I love her.  It’s been her and me against the world since my Dad started checking out when I was six.  We’ve only had each other to count on because of the dysfunction of the entire family (I won’t even go there, lol).   Tonight I am not going to curb the urge to self-harm.  I had hoped writing this post would get it all out, but it hasn’t, and all the emotion has nowhere else to go unless I let it out some other way.   But I’m not suicidal, and I’m not homicidal (lol), so don’t worry.  I know things will be better in the morning and Mom and I will continue our routine of push/pull.  If you got this far, thank you for listening.  And if you didn’t, I understand.  Things have to change in 2015.  They have to.

23 thoughts on “Trapped

  1. Relinquished Reversal

    I “liked” this out of a sign of support only. Shitty couple nights, hun. Have you tried silent screaming to let out the hurt? It is a technique I learned in trauma therapy.. for somatic healing. Letting the hurt out. It is actually marvellous, to shake your head, stretch open your mouth, clench your fists, and scream without anyone hearing. In the safety of your room. No self harm required. be tender with yourself, your body caries a very important package: you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I still haven’t done anything — I was trying to give myself time to cool off and see if I find another way to deal with everything, and then I got notification of this comment. The universe may be speaking to me. I’d never heard of “silent screaming” before your comment. I’m willing to try anything, because I don’t want to keep scarring myself… So I’ll try this before I do anything else. Thank you for reaching out and for listening. And for telling me about this “silent screaming” technique. I appreciate it all!!!!

      ♥Lauren

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Relinquished Reversal

        I am glad you posted. My husband is a cutter and I am a recovering anorexic, so self harm runs deep here. I hear you. Sometimes life does suck and you just need to let it out…Start the movements slowly, and then let it all out until your face hurts. If you feel the need to cry – do. Be kind enough to yourself to feel. And scream it all out. Silently scream and cry and let it all out as long as you need to. Our brain recognizes the behaviour as a release, whether there is volume or not. Gotta love neuroscience. So honour what your body is telling you. It needs an outlet, so give it one, give it one that values you in the transaction 🙂 Sending you love.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. It worked!! I couldn’t believe it, but it worked. I felt exactly like I was screaming at the top of my lungs, though nothing came out (except a squeak once, lol). Thank you for sharing this technique, it truly helped. I’m sorry that you and your husband have gone through so much; it makes it that much more amazing that you would read this post and respond. I’m sending love and hope your way as well, that you both continue to recover. We can get through. big hugs!!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Relinquished Reversal

        Thank you for the loves. I am glad it helped. My therapist showed me that. Just open the back of your throat and left the scream out as a deep forceful breath out to prevent squeaking 🙂 Very happy you feel better today. Keep reaching out when you need to!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Terry! I know, it’s always tricky trying to figure out what to do in that situation. In my case, I consider clicking like just a sign that you listened and as a sign of support, not that you like the fact I’m depressed (or whatever the case may be). Thank you (!!) for reaching out and keeping me in your prayers. I appreciate it so, so much!!! hugs, Lauren

      Liked by 1 person

  2. So sad dear Lauren,to read that … 😦
    Holidays sometimes cause depression instead of joy and presumably your mum was affected by that.Anyway,try to understand her and never forget that her love for you is always there.We usually bring out the worst of ourselves to our nearest and dearest ones …
    Just keep caressing Lucy … It’s the best medicine … Have a brighter Day today 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Doda, what you said rings true, but reading this I realized that it’s not just about Mom. The holidays are bringing out the “worst” in me too, in the form of sadness, irritation, anger, grief … I need to be gentle with both of us and try to remember to think before I speak. thank you for everything!!! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Cnawan Fahey

    Warmest hugs to you. Deepest compassion for you. Want for you the self-love and the love from others that lifts you out of the pain, that 2015 is the turning point in your life. Warm blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Cnawan, your words are so soothing!! Thank you for your wishes, I am going to hold them close and use them to remember what I want in my life: love, honor, integrity, joy, and peace. 🙂 Brightest blessings to you in the upcoming new year!! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Lauren. I’m sorry you had it so rough. I don’t know if this would work for you, but I have been amazed at how effective using ice has been for me on curbing the urge to cut. It has a very similar sensation, without the scarring…and I can do it as many times as it takes to calm me down.

    Sending hugs your way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had completely forgotten about ice!! thank you for the reminder! I’ve used it in the past and it helped a lot, though my therapist at the time said I was “overusing” it and “took it away” from me. I think that now I could probably be more responsible though so I will definitely try it again. You are awesome. 🙂 ♥

      Like

  5. This must be an incredibly difficult situation, especially if your Mum also has BPD. Both of you struggling to get through this time of year. Writing it out and communicating with people is a sign of your own recovery, when you could have so easily have self-harmed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I suppose it is a sign of recovery, though it didn’t feel nearly as good as self-harming would have (in my mind, anyway). But there must be a part of me that does want to get better, so I guess I’ll keep trudging… thank you, Cat. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow, do I ever wish I had some magic words for you, but all I can do is sit here and feel really helpless. I can send a prayer or two out your way, and some really good thoughts, and I’m really sorry but that’s about all I got. At least it seems that you’ve gotten some good advice from the commenters before me, so hopefully that helped a little and the load is feeling a little lighter. Please hang in there and know that were all thinking the best for you. Like you said, 2015 has just got to be better.

    Like

  7. Sorry you had such a tough time and proud of you (weird coming from a stranger, huh) for not self-harming.

    Something i have done in the past that really helped me to release things…and still do occasionally when the need arises
    1- Get some pretty stationary, something that appeals to you, that you wouldn’t use to jot down a to do or grocery list… (this makes a difference)
    2- Write letters to anyone who has harmed you…. doesn’t matter if they are living or dead, you will not be mailing them. Write it all out. Be as angry as you want to be, be honest, no worries about “appropriateness”. What they did, said, how that made you feel, the long term harm it has done…get it ALL on paper.
    DO NOT forget to write a letter to yourself. After all you harm yourself greatly.
    3- Take the letters outside somewhere private. The one at a time read the letter to yourself… then BURN it! Yes you heard me. (Make sure you are not in an are where you are going to start a forest fire 🙂 Be safe) Burn away the negativity.
    Say aloud “I release this” and set it on fire, release it into the universe…you do not need it anymore.
    REPEAT with each letter.

    This may sound ridiculous AND it helps.

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