Hurt

I told a good friend of mine a couple days ago that I can feel the depressive vortex sucking me in.  And it is; I’m not even sure if I care enough to fight it.  It’s almost 6 am and I haven’t been to bed yet because I’ve been crying and can’t shut my brain off.  Even two Klonopin couldn’t take me down.  I might have to take a third if I want to get to sleep today … which I really shouldn’t do, because Mom will wake up and need my help.  She’s made small progress but is still in an intense amount of pain.

But so am I, the little girl inside me whispers.  I wish someone was helping me.  I hurt so much and I don’t know what to do.

God, I’m a selfish bitch.

16 thoughts on “Hurt

  1. May Desert Flower

    *reaches out and holds your hand*
    You are not selfish sweetie ❤️❤️
    Write it all out, scream if you must
    And just take it one day at a time
    Hugs you tight ❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I appreciate you so much, May. 🙂 I actually took a long nap, then another, and woke up this morning feeling better. I need to remember to sleep more regularly or I get even sadder. anyway … thank you for being you. *hugs you back*

      Liked by 1 person

  2. risinghawk

    Goodness . . . you’re no selfish bitch. The child inside, wrapped by the older form needs help and care as much as anyone else – probably more so. It isn’t wrong to desire it, and completely, painfully, normal to hurt intensely at its absence. You deserve the love and the nurturing. Give yourself a break – FORGIVE yourself for all of the things you think that you are failing at, for none of us are perfect. We all have feelings, we do the best we can. Do that, and be at peace with what remains. My best to you. May you find strength. Peace . . .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make so much sense that it’s scary (in a wonderful way!) sometimes. 🙂 I thought I had figured out what I need to work on most this year, but I don’t think any of it is going to happen without forgiving myself. My best to you as well, and thank you for being my friend. (if it’s okay to call you that.) ♥

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  3. You’re not selfish Lauren, all of us need nurturing and support and this is a time when you’re giving a lot of yourself. Here’s hoping you get lots more in return during 2015!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What you’ve said here has a lot of importance and highlighted something I didn’t know I was feeling. So much of my life I’ve had to take care of myself (or take care of myself and Mom, even as a kid, because I was her best friend so I had to shoulder the burden) and I guess part of me is so angry and fed up over it … but then feels guilty because Mom has had to deal with a lot from me as well. it’s a give and take and I just need to make sure it balances out more this year, I think (after you spelled it out for me, I thought it, lol). thank you, Cat. ♥

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      1. You have a lot on your shoulders and I did wonder if you have grown up having to care either for self or for another, with less sense of someone caring and nurturing you.

        What you realised here, Lauren, is very significant. From experience, something very powerful and healing happens when we relate the past with a problem in the present moment. It does not change our thinking overnight, much of that is down to self-discipline, but it helps to understand where it all originates.

        It sounds as if your mum and you have come through a lot together. Your feelings are not any less or more important than hers, but it can be risky to believe our feelings are either trivial or even invalid.
        One last thing, I think you’re stronger than you realise! 😉

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    1. Mandy, thank you, for following my blog and the comment. So much of what you say resonates, even though our circumstances are different. Like I said in my comment to Cat, I need to learn balance. I’ve never been very good at that so I’m hoping it’s something I can really get good at over this new year. thank you!! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You’re not selfish. You’re hurting, and that’s allowed. We all hurt at times, and when we hurt we want to be helped. It’s natural… It’s not selfish. Take the time you need, and when you’re feeling a little better, then you’ll be able to help others. I’m praying for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you, David!! I think a lot of learning is going to happen this year and while it’s going to be painful, in the end I think things will end up a lot better. I appreciate your prayers and your support. you are a wonderful, kind person and I’m grateful to know you. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

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