Bad Day

Trigger warning: This post is going to be very dark and discuss things that may cause distress, like suicidal ideation.  Please be safe.

 

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So the other morning I went to pick up some prescriptions and found out I’m in the coverage gap.  That means that from now until I reach the catastrophic stage, I have to pay for my prescriptions completely out of pocket.  There’s no way I can afford that; my psych meds alone are hundreds of dollars, let alone my diabetes meds like insulin.

So on Monday I panicked.  On Tuesday, on the advice of a very sweet friend, I created a gofundme page.  I felt a little bit better (still panicked though, lol).

But today … well, today is a different kettle of fish.  Today my mind is telling me that this is the universe telling me to let go; to stop worrying about the meds and … drift off.  That this is a sign my time is done, and why bother anyway when I haven’t accomplished a damn thing in my life?  I’m worthless, I’m weak, I shouldn’t be saved.  I’m fighting a real battle with myself and I don’t know what to do.  If I did just let go, I would need to find a home for Sam and Lucy first, because Mom wouldn’t be able to take care of them after I’m gone.  And even typing that brought tears to my eyes because I love them so much and I don’t want to leave them (or her).  I just want these dark thoughts to stop.  When I saw my psychiatrist, she added another medication because my suicidal thoughts have been so prevalent.  Which is ironic now because it’s one more medication I have to try to pay for, which is leading me to more thoughts of suicide.  Funny, huh?  (Okay, maybe not.)

No one needs to call the squad; I’m not actively doing anything to kill myself today.  I’m still fighting and trying to hold on to hope.  But at this moment, it’s more difficult than usual and I’m wishing I could close my eyes and … be nothing.

I hate the US’s insurance system.  I hate that you can have insurance and still not get the care you need.  I hate that my psych dr. has told me she can’t get me all the way “there”; without therapy, full recovery is unlikely (which again, insurance doesn’t cover enough for me to afford a therapist).  Maybe if I take a nap I’ll feel better.  I didn’t sleep well last night and that always plays hell with my emotional state.  Maybe I’ll curl up with Sam and Lucy and let them comfort me.  Times like this, I’m so glad I never had children.  My furkids deserve better, let alone if I’d brought a child into my hell.

If you’re still reading this, thank you.  If you didn’t, I understand.

♥  ♥  ♥

10 thoughts on “Bad Day

  1. Hi

    Have you looked into each drug company cause most have free drug programs based on low income issues? A search online might help. Do you qualify for any help through your state or county? Cause that helps me so that I don’t have a donut hole.

    It isn’t a sign that you should let go. Good and healing thoughts to you.

    Kate

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Because I’m on medicare, most of those programs aren’t applicable to me. My doctors are aware of the situation and are going to help as much as they can but *shrug* there’s only so much they can do. A lot of people are hurting and in the same situation, so I’m nothing special.

      Thank you so much for your comment and your suggestions and support. I appreciate you!! ♥

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am on medicare too. You could apply to your county for what they call extra help. You would probably have to earn less than $1,120 per month and not have assets above a certain amount. I qualified for help, they pay my monthly medicare premium and I don’t have a donut hole as well. Do you have a state disability help phone line on your state? Mine is great at helping me understand the incomprehensible.

        Good and healing thoughts to you.

        Kate

        Like

  2. I guess my initial response would be “…been there… done that…” which I realize is absolutely no help whatsoever. My situation was quite different than yours… yet when reading your thoughts I know there is something I want to tell you. About 38 years ago I was very suicidal for about 2 1/2 years. I found myself in a situation where there was absolutely no way out. There was no answer… I had no choice. It is very easy to give up when you know beyond any doubt that there is no other way. It is not a matter of making a decision… because there is no decision to make. There was nothing in my life that I was convinced of more… there was absolutely no way out… none… case closed.

    The fact that I am writing to you now is proof that I was wrong. There was a way. To me… all hope was lost… but it wasn’t.

    I don’t know what the answer is for you. I wish so much I could push the magic button and solve the problem. But my whole point is this… there is an answer. There is a way. I don’t think anyone could ever be in a worse situation than I was in… but I am living proof that there was a way… when there seemed to be no way.

    May I suggest four words to you? Remember them by thinking “Keep The CODE”… Commitment…. Optimism… Dedication… and Enthusiasm. You fill in the details.

    There is a way…

    Galen

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Galen, wow. I read every word you wrote more than once 🙂 and although right now my mind is rejecting some of what you’ve said, I have saved this to re-read again to try to absorb it. I appreciate your time and effort and support and kindness and I will keep all of this in mind and try to believe it. 🙂 thank you!! ♥

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      1. I’m glad you will keep these things in mind… and I hope they will become more meaningful to you as you work things out. I’m available anytime to help… or stay out of the way (galen911@cox.net)…

        Galen

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for the ‘trigger’ warning bc even though I feel I have made it thru the darkest hours…… Everyday I teter a fine balance on the edge. No meds. I heal thru deep feeling and just letting myself ‘be’ wherever I am in that moment. My soul feels so tired and some days I just exist and know w sleep a new day begins tomorrow. Four years ago I had a spiritual visit from a deceased friend who had committed suicide. I try to hang on to the message he brought me, bc at the time – I didn’t know how much I would rely on it!! He told me that he didn’t escape by killing himself and that he still has work to do on the other side and that it was w TREMENDOUS effort and a gift for him to be allowed to visit me like he did. I held his head in my hands and our foreheads were touching and we were speaking telepathically (in my dream/vision) I kept asking why he killed himself and he basically kept insisting that didn’t matter…. What I needed to know was that I must do my work while in physical body or I will just carry it w me to the otherside. He hasn’t visited me since. I feel so honored he was allowed to bring me that message. There is much more to what we are and who we are and we are not crazy. Even with that solace however and even w the constant contact I experience from other beings….. I still feel like ‘fuck this shit’ – I’m old and I’m tired and I want to go home. Wherever that is…….
    You aren’t alone and I hope that simple fact may bring you some comfort.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Heather, thank you for opening up so much!! It’s a double-edged sword, because it IS comforting to not be alone but I also wish you did not feel this way!!! Deep down, I *do* believe there is more to who we are, and I think I despair so much and so often because I don’t know how to find out who/what I want to be. Your words have brought ME a message and I appreciate you for being so brave… thank you. ♥

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I”m so sorry you feel this way, Lauren. And, this comment will probably not help, but I think that when you put the power of your thoughts towards the people and animals that love you and that you love, and how much they need you – and you them – you might get some extra strength to hold onto life. Positive thoughts and the “little things” in life, right? Oh, and the big things that bring you pleasure as well… 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It *does* help, Liesbet, it truly does. You’re right about harnessing the pure love I have for my furkids to keep me going.:) They would never understand, especially Sam. He’s already been abandoned once and I don’t want to do that to him again.

      Thank you for reaching out and daring to comment on a post that is so hard and dark. I appreciate you.:) ♥♥

      Liked by 1 person

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