I am a 40-something skywatching, stargazing, animal- and nature-loving dreamer with a deeply pessimistic side. I love to write and am struggling to re-learn how to put words to emotions; to unleash the voice silenced for so long. I am a Survivor. I am a bulimic, and a binge eater, and a self-harmer. I’m bipolar type 1 — “true” mania + sometimes psychotic features — and am a rapid cycler. I have borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, complex PTSD and fibromyalgia. I see beauty in odd places and morbid things and love trying to capture a moment through the lens of my camera. People often don’t know how to take me or “handle” me; I’ve never been what you could call “normal” and as I get older, I
realize think that’s okay. I don’t have to be who they want me to be; I need only be who I want to be. That’s an idea I’m still working on. I got so used to adapting to everyone else’s idea of me that I lost myself, and I’m on a quest to figure out who the hell I am. “Recovery” is a foreign word to me but it’s one I keep trying out on my tongue, so I can get used to the thought and feel of it. Like the tagline for one of my favorite television shows of all time: “I want to believe.” (except for the down times, of course. then it’s fuck it all and stay out of my way. ;))
I am a guardian (not an owner) to two furkids: One cat, Lucy, and one dog, Sam. They are both shelter animals and have given me back way more than I could ever give them (but I try my damnedest). All of my furkids have been adopted from a shelter because I believe in giving unwanted animals a home. I also believe strongly in spaying/neutering our pets.
I am not religious, but I am spiritual in my own way. As I stare at the stars in the sky, or listen to the trees whisper as the wind blows, I feel connected to the universe; to something bigger than myself. That feeling has not only brought me peace, but has helped when having a panic attack or when I’m afraid to be in the present/feel my body (aka dissociation). I guess you could say then that nature is my religion. I’m learning about spirit animals right now and am finding peace in that as well.
More than anything I just want to be free. Free of the past, free of my eating disorder, free of my addictions and neuroses and all of the fear I still carry with me. I yearn to be able to let myself be completely vulnerable and open to submit fully.
Join me on the journey — who knows where we’ll be one year from now, or even one day from now.