About the Girl

I am a 40-something skywatching, stargazing, animal- and nature-loving dreamer with a deeply pessimistic side.  I love to write and am struggling to re-learn how to put words to emotions; to unleash the voice silenced for so long.  I am a Survivor.  I am a bulimic, and a binge eater, and a self-harmer.  I’m bipolar type 1 — “true” mania + sometimes psychotic features — and am a rapid cycler. I have borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, complex PTSD and fibromyalgia.  I see beauty in odd places and morbid things and love trying to capture a moment through the lens of my camera.  People often don’t know how to take me or “handle” me; I’ve never been what you could call “normal” and as I get older, I realize think that’s okay.  I don’t have to be who they want me to be; I need only be who I want to be.  That’s an idea I’m still working on.  I got so used to adapting to everyone else’s idea of me that I lost myself, and I’m on a quest to figure out who the hell I am.  “Recovery” is a foreign word to me but it’s one I keep trying out on my tongue, so I can get used to the thought and feel of it.  Like the tagline for one of my favorite television shows of all time:  “I want to believe.”  (except for the down times, of course.  then it’s fuck it all and stay out of my way. ;))

Sam and Lucy say ADOPT!  🙂

I am a guardian (not an owner) to two furkids:  One cat, Lucy, and one dog, Sam. They are both shelter animals and have given me back way more than I could ever give them (but I try my damnedest).  All of my furkids have been adopted from a shelter because I believe in giving unwanted animals a home.  I also believe strongly in spaying/neutering our pets.

I am not religious, but I am spiritual in my own way.  As I stare at the stars in the sky, or listen to the trees whisper as the wind blows, I feel connected to the universe; to something bigger than myself.  That feeling has not only brought me peace, but has helped when having a panic attack or when I’m afraid to be in the present/feel my body  (aka dissociation).  I guess you could say then that nature is my religion.  I’m learning about spirit animals right now and am finding peace in that as well.

More than anything I just want to be free. Free of the past, free of my eating disorder, free of my addictions and neuroses and all of the fear I still carry with me. I yearn to be able to let myself be completely vulnerable and open to submit fully.

Join me on the journey — who knows where we’ll be one year from now, or even one day from now.





55 thoughts on “About the Girl

  1. Congratulations! I have nominated your blog for the Liebster Blog Award. See details at this post: http://allisonsbookbag.wordpress.com/2013/07/15/nominated-for-liebster-blog-award/
    It took me a few hours to create my response. Feel free to just accept without answering questions or nominating others. On the other hand, I enjoyed making up questions and searching out worthy blogs with less than 200 followers. So maybe you’d like to join the fun? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing here, and explaining the title of your blog.
    My guess is I’m a lot older than you, but we do have some things in common, like trying to be what others want til we loose who we really are, and having to find our true selves as an example.

    I am on facebook…Sigrid GS Saradunn and have an art page: The Art of Sigrid…etc. I have lots of photos on both if your are interested in seeing photos. I am a retired RN, an artist, photographer, and writer. I have a cat, Bianca.


    Liked by 1 person

  3. As I read the story behind the name I realized that you are bipolar. Here you confirmed it.
    I think it takes a lot of courage to confront yourself so openly and talk about it so freely.
    I’ve experienced what must by comparison be very mild bouts of depression, and they are hard hard hard.
    Good luck and welcome to the Carpe Diem community.


    Liked by 1 person

  4. Su Leslie

    I find myself back here again thanking you for following my blog Shaking the Tree. I’m glad you’re on the journey with me. I hope your own journey is bringing you freedom and peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey there Newbie Spikey!
    (for your info, a Spikey is the term for folk who are part of the clan known to be followers of Uncle Spike 🙂

    Thank you… I really appreciate that as I for one, know how many interesting and entertaining blogs are out there.

    Blogging since June 2013, my aim is to deliver an eclectic offering of posts, from my ‘point n shoot’ attempts at basic photography, to the sharing of my travel adventures over the decades, as well as day to day happenings here on the farm. Oh, plus a few observations, opinions and lighter-hearted stuff thrown in for good measure.

    I normally keep to a couple of posts a day, maybe 3-4 at weekends if I have something special to share. But if you are at a loose end one day, maybe you’ll enjoy trawling through some of my older stuff too. I have added plenty of categories to help in said digging process.

    Thanks again and hope you have a great day…


    Liked by 1 person

  6. Wonderful introduction. I believe that mental illness is the toughest of all suffering because no one can see what is causing your pain and anguish and we tend to believe that what we can’t see does not exist. I look forward to getting to know you better through your writing and I hope that your good days will eclipse the bad. Thanks for visiting and commenting on More at Forty!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. You are as strong, as you want to be. Your about page shows that you chose to be brave, and face problems head on, despite the odds. That’s an impressive feat. The word play and translating emotions into words, is one of the best respites for the mind, in my experience at least. Just let it be, and it will be. 🙂
    Thankyou for liking my post, it means a lot, and best of luck for NaBloPoMo! 😀
    Hope to see many more posts to come! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. A lot of this resonates with me….especially the idea of not needing to be what other people think we should be…I’m also on a quest to figure out who the hell I am. Wishing you joy and strength on your journey 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. it’s a double-edged sword, because it helps to know others can relate and yet, I wouldn’t wish these feelings on others. thank you for your comment, and I wish you just as much joy and strength. 🙂 we can do it!!


  9. Lauren, I’m so happy you’re following my blog. I pray you’ll find peace and tons of unexpected healing in your life. Joy, too! I agree 100% that furkids can move us along faster than we could ever get there by ourselves. I love my rescued cat (Smudge) and can’t imagine life without him. He’s a hoot! Thanks so much for sharing about your life and for taking risks in your writing–including the writing challenge!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I found you from a comment you made on a blog I follow, although I can’t remember now whose it was, lol. I enjoyed your writing and sense of humor, but the kicker was when you spoke of your love of laundry. THAT is a person worth following. 😉 xx

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Pingback: I Need Your Help | Moonlight and Madness

    1. Terry, sorry it took me so long to reply to your comment!! I didn’t mean to ignore you, I just got really behind with everything. I appreciate your follow and am looking forward to getting to know you!! =)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t worry! I know how that really busy thing goes! This time of year everyone, including me, seems to get overwhelmed. It’s been hard enough to make new posts let alone keep up with comments, new followers, and likes! It’s been even harder these past couple of weeks to find the time to read blogs.This is all still pretty new to me … Still figuring it out! I look forward to following your blog…although I might not be the most diligent follower. These next few weeks 🙂

        I hope you enjoy very happy holidays!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Rob, I am so, so honored!! I just don’t feel comfortable accepting any awards right now, I’m sorry. I am greatly humbled and appreciative — this is totally about me not feeling up to it. But please, please accept my gratitude and don’t be mad. ♥


  11. I so much like your profile dear Lauren ! Thanks kindly for following,I started following you as well ! And all happened thanks to the sweet Lucy !!! Have a joyous festive season !
    Sending Love and Peace your way , Doda 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Blushed …. Dear Lauren ! Thank you so much for your praises my new WP friend !
        Have a brilliant day while waiting for the magic of Christmas ★★.✿¸.•°*”˜ƸӜƷ˜”*★★.✿¸.•° 🙂


  12. Hi Lauren, thank you for stopping by my blog, so it gave me a chance to discover yours. It sounds like you are fighting a lot of demons – I wish you a lot of strength with it – but keep writing, I happen to find writing a very good therapy for myself 🙂


  13. mandy

    Lauren, I’m so glad you stopped by my blog so I could find my way back to yours. I love your About page. And your candid writing–that’s what I’m all about, too. Laying it out there. It’s been the greatest way to stay on the path to healing. You have so many wonderful talents and your love for animals brightens my day! I love the photos of Sam and Lucy! Sam looks like a Maltese (a breed I’ve always wanted because of their size and happy personality) and I can’t believe these two beauties are shelter animals. They certainly look loved and happy! I look forward to reading more!


  14. Hi, Lauren! I have been looking around your blog and it is really nice. What cuties Sam and Lucy are. I will be following you now and I am looking forward to reading your posts when I get back to blogging regularly again. Hugs and give Sam and Lucy nose kisses from me, Chancy, Pooh and Baby Boy

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Pingback: Premio Dardos Award | Vancouver Visions

  16. Thank you for sharing your truth, in this very moving and honest introduction. Wishing you peace and healing 🙂

    Also one thing that helped me define who the hell I am… was knowing that while yes my past did shape me…it does not DEFINE me.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Pitchers were made to carry water. I have heard of very old pitchers, those of great value, put into museums for people to look upon, and ooh and ahh at. But the pitcher still longs for water. We were made to carry God, and that longing will not end until we do. Search a million paths, but there is one that is true and your soul knows that quite well, because we were made for it. There is a peace that passes all understanding. It can only be God.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Mr Modigliani

    It takes such courage to be honest and vulnerable with others. WordPress is such a great place for this and there are many wonderful supporters here. Many of us have found that writing is the best therapy. Thank you for your follow.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Hi Lauren … I just found your blog through another woman who writes about her healing and other things similar.. its nice to connect with others who also write about the same things… I like your blog and look forward to reading more of your blog …. I love the part about you that says “using my voice to write” .. thats what I do in my healing and writing .. I write about my healing and therapy … love to connect with others.. hope to connect.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Thank you for your bravery in sharing what you can of your story with those of us who find it here. One thing is certain, you are not alone in being a survivor who has lived through hell on Earth. I wish you all the best in creating a peaceful space for yourself and your fur babies. May you ever receive the support and love you need, when you need it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kathryn Grace,
      Thank you for being so kind and supportive. I see myself as being about as far from brave as one could get, but the message that I am not alone is a powerful one (and also a sad one… I would rather only I had endured abuse than others). I’m working hard to settle my soul and find my own grace… and people like you help my journey a lot. Brightest blessings to you and yours!!! ♥♥

      Liked by 1 person

  21. Being free can be easier than you think. Follow your heart, take one step at a time, and don’t worry about what others think. Setting out in the world to become one with nature is enlightening and strengthening! Courage to you.


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