My fat is a symptom of my loss of safety.  My binge-eating is a symptom of my chronic emptiness.  My scars are a symptom of my inability to regulate my self-hatred and extreme emotions.  My anxiety is a symptom of my fear of both the known and unknown.  My nightmares are a symptom of the abuse and terror I have experienced.

I am lost and I am shattered, but I am not over.

The fact that I am still alive is a symptom of my strength and hope that I can still get better.

— ♥ — ♥ —

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Deep Dive

Starting this week, I’m going to be going deeper in my posts by sharing some of my issues with my eating disorder.  These posts will most likely be triggering, or a cause of judgment, so what I’m going to do is clearly mark the posts and have the content below the cut and you can choose whether to read it or not.  This is not going to be easy for me, but it’s either do this or start an anonymous blog to discuss what I’m going through, and I really don’t want to have to do that.  So just a heads up.

Hope everyone’s weekend is going well.  I’ve been barely able to function this week (hence my thoughts about going deeper here).

I hate it when the darkness goes from soothing to scary.
~ love & light

Shut Up, Billy

I’m sure no one can watch as much television as I do, so this may not annoy fellow former-smokers, but at least four times a day I see a commercial for Chantix featuring “Billy.”  Billy is super-enthusiastic about being a non-smoker now.  He says being a non-smoker is “fun!”

No it’s not.  It’s stressful and hard — at least for me.  I had my last cigarette on August 20th, 2010 at 10:38am.  Yes, I remember exactly.  That’s how stressed out I still am.  Don’t get me wrong; I know the health benefits I’ve gained from quitting and it was almost like discovering a new world once the nicotine was out of my system.  I can taste my food now and I don’t get sick as much and it’s a lot less expensive.  But I still feel like Anna in “Keeping the Faith” when I see someone smoking: I want to run over and kiss them to suck the nicotine from their lungs.  The physical cravings have lessened, but the emotional ones are still inside me, begging me.  My smoking was tied to my eating disorder, which is still active.  Instead of eating, I would smoke.  Now that option has been taken away from me, like so many other unhealthy habits I’ve either quit or tried to quit.  My coping mechanisms are lacking these days.  So I’m glad you’re grinning ear-to-ear, Billy, but excuse my testiness when I say, “Shut. Up.”

Now — does anyone know how to get marijuana in Ohio?  Kidding.
(Not kidding. ;))


I tweeted this October 24th but wanted to share it here as well for posterity.  I know at some point I’ll need to look back and remind myself I felt this way.

I’ve realized something this week: it’s liberating to talk about being and not give a fuck about others’ judgments.

xo, Lauren

Top 5 Things I Want to Let Go of in 2015

These aren’t in any particular order.

  1.  Anger.  I want need to find a way to live in peace.  I’m exhausted.  And this angry person isn’t who I want to be.  This isn’t how I want to live.
  2.  My Eating Disorder.  I’ve been up and down the scale and, again, I’m exhausted.  The weight I gained is a direct result of my bad decisions and the damage done to my body, and my weight was supposed to be my protection except … it didn’t protect me.  Bad things still happened.  And all of it — the bingeing, the purging, the starving — is literally killing me.  Which brings me to my next one …
  3.   Numbers.  I need to worry about my health, not about the number on a scale.  Yes, part of being healthy is being a healthy weight, but at this point I  need to focus a lot less on the numbers and a lot more on eating mindfully, paying attention to the warning signs before a binge/purge session, etc.  These are the things that will get me healthier, not obsessing over the scale.  I’ve already done that.  If it worked, I would be a size you-can’t-even-see-me.  It’s time for something new.
  4.   My dad.  I have to let him go or the pain is just going to continue to eat me alive.  I’ve done everything I can to try to reconcile and he doesn’t want that.  I can’t do anything about it, I can’t force him to want to be my dad, so I have to let go.  (Even typing that slices at me.)
  5.   Self-loathing.   It seems like most of these are tied together, but they’re still separate issues.  I need to stop judging myself so harshly and with so much hatred.  If I work on positive self-talk instead of negative, that’s going to help with all the other things I’ve mentioned above.  This is going to be the toughest one of all for me, I think, because even though my abusers are either dead or out of my life, I took over their roles.  I’ve abused myself longer and with more cruelty than they were even capable of.  It needs to STOP.

I haven’t formulated a plan yet for how to accomplish these things, but I think this is a good start.  Tonight I’m going to write these down on a piece of clean white paper and burn them.

Let’s make 2015 fucking Brilliant!!