“What I need is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad our losses. That it can be good again.”
– Katniss, Mockingjay

hope is hard to kill.
hope is hard to kill.

I’m Sorry

“I’m sorry I left you so long in the dark.”

– Leigh Bardugo, Shadow and Bone

This is what I should say to the little girl inside me who was so hurt and scared for continuing the abuse myself long after my abusers stopped.  Because despite the damage they did, my war with myself has been much more lethal than anything they could ever have said or done to me.  I set out to systematically destroy and sabotage and I’ve done a damn good job of it.  But I’ve been thinking lately that maybe it’s time the punishment finally stopped.  Maybe I’ve done enough penance for … I don’t know what, actually.  I’ve made mistakes, I’ve hurt people, and I know that.  But in my core I’m a decent person and I deserve a shot at happiness.

That’s what I’m telling myself today, in this moment anyway.

“I’m sorry I left you so long in the dark.”

And I am.  I am so, so sorry.  I’m sorry that I believed the lies they leveled at you over what I knew to be true; I took their poison and let it run through my veins.  I’m sorry for the scars and the scathing words.  I’m sorry I hurt you by binging and purging and hiding from the light.  I did the best I could at the time, but that rings so hollow now.

I love you, little girl.  And from now on, I want to protect you and nurture you in a way I never have before.  It’s time to heal.