Best Birthday Card Ever

So today is my birthday — I’m 44 now (*gulp*) — and although I had told her not to worry about it, my Mom bought me a birthday card.  When she handed it to me, she hugged me and said, “I mean every word.”  She even signed it herself, which is hard for her to do because her hands shake so much.

I actually cried when I read it because it was so beautiful and because I felt so much love.  Sometimes it’s hard for me to really feel loved, so this is a special moment and I want to share it with all of you.  xx

 

Mom’s Painful Start to the New Year

I’m sorry that I haven’t responded to comments, etc.  I had to take Mom to the ER on Wednesday because her back had gotten so bad she could barely move.  Turns out she has “significant arthritis,” sciatica, something wrong with “a couple disks” that I can’t remember what they called it and she had burst a cyst; the pain of the latter  is what finally got her to stop being stubborn and let me take her somewhere.  I kept begging but she waited until she couldn’t walk without screaming before she let me step in and get her to the ER for help.

Anyway, she’s tired, I’m tired, Sam and Lucy are whacked out because everyone’s routine has been interrupted … And seeing Mom in the hospital bed looking so pale and fragile is sticking with me.  When they were doing the X-Rays and the MRI, I was almost floating above my body from the strength of the stress; I had to keep flicking my wrist with a rubber band to keep myself present.  I might be an adult in chronological years, but I don’t know how to handle things like an adult would.  All of this has made me think about what I’m going to do as Mom ages and more responsibility is put on me.  That’s actually the cheerful thought, because when I continue the scenario it takes me to Mom’s dea** and I refuse to go down that road of thought.  If I even think it, something bad could — and probably will — happen.

Word to the wise, 2015:  You’d better straighten up fast.  A mother in agony, and a frightened Lauren, is not a good way to start the new year.

Unworthy

This is the letter I sent to my father four months ago.  I gave him my e-mail, my cell, my landline, my address … and I have yet to hear one word from him.  I’m not even worth enough to him to waste the cost of a stamp or the seconds it takes to send a “fuck off” e-mail.

i. am. nothing.

(God this hurts.  No wonder I either eat my pain or slice it away.)

~x♥

Dear Dad,

 

It’s Laurie. I’m sure you’re shocked to be hearing from me, but I hope you’ll read this all the way through. I’m not asking for money or anything like that; there are just a few things I wanted to say to you while I have the courage.

I had to look up your address to send this to you and I see you’re in TN now. I’ve seen photos (not to mention vague remembrances of being there myself) and it’s really beautiful there – peaceful. I bet you’re a lot happier there. At least I hope you are. Being away from the city would be wonderful. I’m realizing the value of your own space and what “home” really means every day.

I don’t want to rehash the past or who did what, because it isn’t necessary. You warned me once about “the man in the mirror” and you were right. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror every day, and that’s my own fault, just like our estrangement is my fault. But I also want you to know that I’ve always loved you and I always will. You’ll always be my Dad and in my heart, and in my memories of looking for arrowheads and the “talking” car light named Shawn and my feeling so damn proud listening to you play the guitar at the **** Friday nights. Though I’m not a country music fan, I have a full collection of Kenny Rogers (I still love “Coward of the County”). It hurts that you aren’t part of my life and most of the time I try to shove it deep down where I can’t feel it but sometimes that’s impossible. And I want to tell you I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you leave/distrust me and that if I could change things, I would.  One thing I’m deeply sorry and ashamed for is the fact I took Mom’s maiden name. I thought if I changed my name I would hurt less, and that I would somehow change and because this awesome new person who didn’t screw up all the time … but it made things hurt even more and became another screw up (one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, of my life). I’m still Laurie ***** and always will be. You need to know that.

I know you can’t stand me now, so this isn’t fair, but the reason I’m writing to you is that I just – please, please, please I need to hear from you that at one point you loved me and were happy to be my father (assuming that’s true – if it’s not, then tell me that). Please. Please. I’ve lost so much of my life, Dad, and I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to find peace. If I could just know at one point I was worth something, maybe it would help. I know I have no right to ask you for anything but I’m asking (obviously more like begging) anyway.

I really, really hope you’ll respond to this, and say whatever you need or want to say, however harsh or hurtful it may be. I mean obviously, I’m hoping that you won’t say I was a mistake, but if that’s how you feel, say it. I just need to know how you feel about me, if you feel anything, and I will never bother you again. I owe you that much.  I’m sorry Dad.  Whatever I did to cause you to hate me, I’m sorry.  Please forgive me.

I love you, Daddy. No matter what. I hope you’ll be happy and enjoy your life. I wonder if you still go to pistol matches?

 

Love,

Laurie

Mother’s Day 2014

♥♥ Happy Mother’s Day ♥♥

to all, whether your kids are two-legged, four-legged … or fanged. ; )

 

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