These aren’t in any particular order.
- Anger. I
wantneed to find a way to live in peace. I’m exhausted. And this angry person isn’t who I want to be. This isn’t how I want to live.
- My Eating Disorder. I’ve been up and down the scale and, again, I’m exhausted. The weight I gained is a direct result of my bad decisions and the damage done to my body, and my weight was supposed to be my protection except … it didn’t protect me. Bad things still happened. And all of it — the bingeing, the purging, the starving — is literally killing me. Which brings me to my next one …
- Numbers. I need to worry about my health, not about the number on a scale. Yes, part of being healthy is being a healthy weight, but at this point I need to focus a lot less on the numbers and a lot more on eating mindfully, paying attention to the warning signs before a binge/purge session, etc. These are the things that will get me healthier, not obsessing over the scale. I’ve already done that. If it worked, I would be a size you-can’t-even-see-me. It’s time for something new.
- My dad. I have to let him go or the pain is just going to continue to eat me alive. I’ve done everything I can to try to reconcile and he doesn’t want that. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t force him to want to be my dad, so I have to let go. (Even typing that slices at me.)
- Self-loathing. It seems like most of these are tied together, but they’re still separate issues. I need to stop judging myself so harshly and with so much hatred. If I work on positive self-talk instead of negative, that’s going to help with all the other things I’ve mentioned above. This is going to be the toughest one of all for me, I think, because even though my abusers are either dead or out of my life, I took over their roles. I’ve abused myself longer and with more cruelty than they were even capable of. It needs to STOP.
I haven’t formulated a plan yet for how to accomplish these things, but I think this is a good start. Tonight I’m going to write these down on a piece of clean white paper and burn them.