Top 5 Things I Want to Let Go of in 2015

These aren’t in any particular order.

  1.  Anger.  I want need to find a way to live in peace.  I’m exhausted.  And this angry person isn’t who I want to be.  This isn’t how I want to live.
  2.  My Eating Disorder.  I’ve been up and down the scale and, again, I’m exhausted.  The weight I gained is a direct result of my bad decisions and the damage done to my body, and my weight was supposed to be my protection except … it didn’t protect me.  Bad things still happened.  And all of it — the bingeing, the purging, the starving — is literally killing me.  Which brings me to my next one …
  3.   Numbers.  I need to worry about my health, not about the number on a scale.  Yes, part of being healthy is being a healthy weight, but at this point I  need to focus a lot less on the numbers and a lot more on eating mindfully, paying attention to the warning signs before a binge/purge session, etc.  These are the things that will get me healthier, not obsessing over the scale.  I’ve already done that.  If it worked, I would be a size you-can’t-even-see-me.  It’s time for something new.
  4.   My dad.  I have to let him go or the pain is just going to continue to eat me alive.  I’ve done everything I can to try to reconcile and he doesn’t want that.  I can’t do anything about it, I can’t force him to want to be my dad, so I have to let go.  (Even typing that slices at me.)
  5.   Self-loathing.   It seems like most of these are tied together, but they’re still separate issues.  I need to stop judging myself so harshly and with so much hatred.  If I work on positive self-talk instead of negative, that’s going to help with all the other things I’ve mentioned above.  This is going to be the toughest one of all for me, I think, because even though my abusers are either dead or out of my life, I took over their roles.  I’ve abused myself longer and with more cruelty than they were even capable of.  It needs to STOP.

I haven’t formulated a plan yet for how to accomplish these things, but I think this is a good start.  Tonight I’m going to write these down on a piece of clean white paper and burn them.

Let’s make 2015 fucking Brilliant!!

F5 : Five Words That Rocked My Childhood

“No.  I am your father.”

Darth Vader to Luke in “Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back”

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My Dad took me to see this when it came out since he and I were huge “Star Wars” fans — my mom, not at all (still not at all, despite my best efforts.  Side story:  She fell asleep when I took her to see “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.”  Sigh.)  We walked out of the theater and he asked me if I’d liked it.  I nodded.  He asked me if I was okay.  I nodded.  He asked me if I was sure I was okay.  I nodded, then burst out, “He can’t be Luke’s father!”  I was so upset that night I went home and went right to bed.

It sounds silly, but that was a pivotal moment for me as a child.  It was the moment I realized good people can come from bad people/places.  I was so shocked that someone as good as Luke could come from someone as evil as Darth Vader that it took me a couple weeks to really process it.  Of course, that also gave me a good excuse to make my Dad take me to see it several more times.  😉

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about: I’ve had an idea kicking around in my head about doing a new “feature” here called Friday Five.  Anything from lists to words to … whatever this chaotic mind of mine dreams up, as long as it’s done in fives.  Suggestions are always welcome and if anyone else wants to participate, I’d love it.  Anything goes as long as it’s a five in some fashion.  =)