Fresh Air and Forgotten Dreams

The air tonight is crisp and smells of burning wood, like campfires and incense. I yearn to be in the forest somewhere; wild and free. I want to be in the cabin I dream about, away from everyone and everything except nature and my true self. The self that used to care more about saving the planet than getting a new iPad. How did I stray so far from the girl who was going to make a difference? When did I become so materialistic?

There has to be a way back to that girl. I know she still exists inside of me. I feel her when I’m under starry skies or watching the sun dance through the trees. I remember her passion and certainty that things could get better if only she dared to try. That girl would be beyond disappointed in who she grew up to be.

I’ve lost my way. But there’s still time to find my way back.

Tonight: I am grateful for fresh air and the idea that it’s never too late.

x♥x

♫ Mark Snow — Disturbing Behavior OST

{*originally posted May 19, 2013*}

4 AM Shame

warning:  may be triggering for those with an eating disorder.

• • • •

It’s 4 am and my head is pounding, my heart is racing, my stomach is cramping and my hands are shaking.   It’s been another day of bad food choices and shame.   I’m sad — I eat. I’m happy — I eat. I’m lonely — I eat. I’m angry — I eat.  The sun rose in the east and set in the west so I ate.  I keep wishing scientists would come up with a pill to take the place of food but a) I know that’s “magical thinking,” b) even if scientists are trying to come up with such a pill, it’s probably decades away and c) that would still require me to be willing to take the pill instead of stuffing my emotions face and I know my behavior wouldn’t change.  I’ve spent three-quarters of my life dealing with the food issue in one way or another and I’m flat out exhausted.  But I’m addicted and I don’t know how to stop.  Or I don’t want it bad enough to stop.  Or both?  Once I get started, it’s like I go into a fugue state.  The “worst” is when I actually plan the binge; I get so excited thinking about everything I’m going to eat, and while I’m chewing, I don’t feel anything but euphoria.  The awful truth is that no matter how much I swallow, it’s never enough to fill the emptiness; no matter how much I purge, it’s never enough to empty me of the guilt and the shame and the self-loathing.  Continue reading “4 AM Shame”

Alone

She sits on the couch in complete darkness, hugging a worn pillow so tightly her fingers go numb.  The silence is sharp and she imagines she can actually hear the tears as they escape despite her best effort.  She flinches at the wetness and vows to imprison her emotions more tightly; even as she feels the pressure building in her chest, even as breathing becomes more difficult because of the force of her feelings.  She knows it’s a lost cause.

She’s been misunderstood most of her life.  They assume that she doesn’t feel anything because she’s so shut down, when really she shuts down because she feels too much, way too much, and she’s learned the hard way that showing emotion is the quickest way to be preyed on and picked clean of any sense of self.

So she sits alone in cold darkness and soothes herself with worn pillows and promises that tomorrow will be better, oh yes it will, and that it’s safe to allow this moment of grief for what was — and what will never be.  Some things can’t be fixed, no matter how hard she begs, bargains or wishes for things to be different.  She can’t glue herself back together when chunks of her innocence were eaten by soul cannibals who only wanted to make her bleed.

Yes, it’s better to be alone, she whispers to herself.  And resolutely ignores the fact that she aches for it to be otherwise.

The Girl Loves Autumn

Thinking about the many colors of autumn, of course I thought of reds and golds and oranges.  But this is my favorite season and I wanted to approach this in a slightly different way by sharing some of the other colors and ideas that come to my mind; my autumn also includes teal, hot pink, purple, turquoise, grey and black.  As the days darken, my mood lightens, and I’m excited to share my take on this.  =)

 

 

🎃 ♥ 🎃 ♥ 🎃 ♥ 🎃

find more autumn inspiration :  Photo Friday Challenge

6WS :: 6/28/14

What do you think of that?

 

That used to be one of my favorite sayings/questions and I always loved hearing people’s answers.  My mom would usually say, “I don’t know what to think.”

If you feel like it, share your answer.  I would love to hear what your response would be.

♥  ♥  ♥

get more of your 6WS fix at Show My Face.