Deep Dive

Starting this week, I’m going to be going deeper in my posts by sharing some of my issues with my eating disorder.  These posts will most likely be triggering, or a cause of judgment, so what I’m going to do is clearly mark the posts and have the content below the cut and you can choose whether to read it or not.  This is not going to be easy for me, but it’s either do this or start an anonymous blog to discuss what I’m going through, and I really don’t want to have to do that.  So just a heads up.

Hope everyone’s weekend is going well.  I’ve been barely able to function this week (hence my thoughts about going deeper here).

I hate it when the darkness goes from soothing to scary.
~ love & light

Top 5 Things I Want to Let Go of in 2015

These aren’t in any particular order.

  1.  Anger.  I want need to find a way to live in peace.  I’m exhausted.  And this angry person isn’t who I want to be.  This isn’t how I want to live.
  2.  My Eating Disorder.  I’ve been up and down the scale and, again, I’m exhausted.  The weight I gained is a direct result of my bad decisions and the damage done to my body, and my weight was supposed to be my protection except … it didn’t protect me.  Bad things still happened.  And all of it — the bingeing, the purging, the starving — is literally killing me.  Which brings me to my next one …
  3.   Numbers.  I need to worry about my health, not about the number on a scale.  Yes, part of being healthy is being a healthy weight, but at this point I  need to focus a lot less on the numbers and a lot more on eating mindfully, paying attention to the warning signs before a binge/purge session, etc.  These are the things that will get me healthier, not obsessing over the scale.  I’ve already done that.  If it worked, I would be a size you-can’t-even-see-me.  It’s time for something new.
  4.   My dad.  I have to let him go or the pain is just going to continue to eat me alive.  I’ve done everything I can to try to reconcile and he doesn’t want that.  I can’t do anything about it, I can’t force him to want to be my dad, so I have to let go.  (Even typing that slices at me.)
  5.   Self-loathing.   It seems like most of these are tied together, but they’re still separate issues.  I need to stop judging myself so harshly and with so much hatred.  If I work on positive self-talk instead of negative, that’s going to help with all the other things I’ve mentioned above.  This is going to be the toughest one of all for me, I think, because even though my abusers are either dead or out of my life, I took over their roles.  I’ve abused myself longer and with more cruelty than they were even capable of.  It needs to STOP.

I haven’t formulated a plan yet for how to accomplish these things, but I think this is a good start.  Tonight I’m going to write these down on a piece of clean white paper and burn them.

Let’s make 2015 fucking Brilliant!!

What I Think of *You*

made for you, by me, with love.
made for you, by me, with love.

• • ♥ • •

Six Words Can Say a Lot:  Show My Face 6WS


Today was a total loss. I spent most of the day sleeping and bingeing. The only victory I can claim is that I did not purge, which is actually something to be proud of. I guess. I feel so lethargic, even doing this post feels like a lot. I’m wasted on carbs. This used to be comforting but it isn’t working anymore. I’m still feeling too much.

Back to bed to sleep off the rest of this day and start fresh when I next wake up. I can do better. I can be better. I can.

4 AM Shame

warning:  may be triggering for those with an eating disorder.

• • • •

It’s 4 am and my head is pounding, my heart is racing, my stomach is cramping and my hands are shaking.   It’s been another day of bad food choices and shame.   I’m sad — I eat. I’m happy — I eat. I’m lonely — I eat. I’m angry — I eat.  The sun rose in the east and set in the west so I ate.  I keep wishing scientists would come up with a pill to take the place of food but a) I know that’s “magical thinking,” b) even if scientists are trying to come up with such a pill, it’s probably decades away and c) that would still require me to be willing to take the pill instead of stuffing my emotions face and I know my behavior wouldn’t change.  I’ve spent three-quarters of my life dealing with the food issue in one way or another and I’m flat out exhausted.  But I’m addicted and I don’t know how to stop.  Or I don’t want it bad enough to stop.  Or both?  Once I get started, it’s like I go into a fugue state.  The “worst” is when I actually plan the binge; I get so excited thinking about everything I’m going to eat, and while I’m chewing, I don’t feel anything but euphoria.  The awful truth is that no matter how much I swallow, it’s never enough to fill the emptiness; no matter how much I purge, it’s never enough to empty me of the guilt and the shame and the self-loathing.  Continue reading “4 AM Shame”