Summer

In my world, “summer” is a six-letter word that inspires fear.  I hate that the days are longer and the clothing skimpier.  Summer brings out some of my worst body insecurities, because I see so many other women who look the way I wish I did wearing clothing I wish I could but never will.  To be clear: It’s not their fault; it’s mine.  Having dealt with an eating disorder since I was a young girl, I’ve never had a healthy body image.  My entire life has been spent looking in a funhouse mirror and summer magnifies that exponentially.  Add to that the fact that I’m not a sunshine kind of girl and it’s a few months of misery.

This year I’m going to do some things differently though.  I’m going to go swimming and face my bathing suit-reveal fears.  I’m going to spend some time outside, during the day, and try to enjoy myself (with a super high SPF sunscreen of course, because as pale as I am, I’m likely to catch fire after too long in the sun. ;))

And I’m going to remind myself that we need the sun to sustain life.  If I can learn to not only tolerate — but try to help — bees … after years of panic … surely I can do this too.

🐝🐝🐝
love & light.

♥—- ♥—- ♥

this post inspired by: The Daily Post
{and also my friend kittycat, who is one of the bravest people I’ve ever met ♥}

Emotions

This collage was made by me after one of my therapy sessions. It’s crude, but I still love it, because I was able to express many emotions I couldn’t (and in some ways still can’t) speak. It’s about my struggle with an eating disorder, and self-harm, and the traumatic aftermath of being sexually abused.

I hope it says something to you, and if it does, please feel free to comment. Even if you don’t, thank you for looking and sharing a vulnerable moment with me.

xo
Lauren

(the middle section is actually a photomanipulation I did, if you wish to see the original, it’s here: The Perfect Stomach)

collage_lauren

The Perfect Stomach

Society’s ideal: a flat stomach and jutting hipbones. My version is grittier, with rotting flesh and deep gashes (the model was also tan before I desaturated her). I, like many others, struggle with my own concept of physical beauty and my own body ideal (I’m a mostly-recovering bulimic). I was having a particularly low self-esteem day and I guess I wanted to take a pretty torso and dirty it up. I did this in May 2005 under my old deviantart account.

[Actually, there’s more to the story, but that’s for another day.]

theperfectstomach