Top 5 Things I Want to Let Go of in 2015

These aren’t in any particular order.

  1.  Anger.  I want need to find a way to live in peace.  I’m exhausted.  And this angry person isn’t who I want to be.  This isn’t how I want to live.
  2.  My Eating Disorder.  I’ve been up and down the scale and, again, I’m exhausted.  The weight I gained is a direct result of my bad decisions and the damage done to my body, and my weight was supposed to be my protection except … it didn’t protect me.  Bad things still happened.  And all of it — the bingeing, the purging, the starving — is literally killing me.  Which brings me to my next one …
  3.   Numbers.  I need to worry about my health, not about the number on a scale.  Yes, part of being healthy is being a healthy weight, but at this point I  need to focus a lot less on the numbers and a lot more on eating mindfully, paying attention to the warning signs before a binge/purge session, etc.  These are the things that will get me healthier, not obsessing over the scale.  I’ve already done that.  If it worked, I would be a size you-can’t-even-see-me.  It’s time for something new.
  4.   My dad.  I have to let him go or the pain is just going to continue to eat me alive.  I’ve done everything I can to try to reconcile and he doesn’t want that.  I can’t do anything about it, I can’t force him to want to be my dad, so I have to let go.  (Even typing that slices at me.)
  5.   Self-loathing.   It seems like most of these are tied together, but they’re still separate issues.  I need to stop judging myself so harshly and with so much hatred.  If I work on positive self-talk instead of negative, that’s going to help with all the other things I’ve mentioned above.  This is going to be the toughest one of all for me, I think, because even though my abusers are either dead or out of my life, I took over their roles.  I’ve abused myself longer and with more cruelty than they were even capable of.  It needs to STOP.

I haven’t formulated a plan yet for how to accomplish these things, but I think this is a good start.  Tonight I’m going to write these down on a piece of clean white paper and burn them.

Let’s make 2015 fucking Brilliant!!

Once Again …

…  I’m saying that I have to change the way I eat; the way I treat my body so carelessly.  I’ve been sick this morning because I binged, and now I’m feeling guilty and thinking bad thoughts.  I don’t know how, but this has to stop.  I can’t keep going this way.  I binge and purge (or simply binge sometimes) and then the self-loathing and guilt kicks in, and then I think “What does it matter now?” and I keep doing it.  I don’t know how many times I’ve said I want to get better, but my actions don’t bear that out.  I’ve been bulimic since I was eleven years old and the thought of not having that coping mechanism makes me panic.  But the consequences of what I’ve done (and continue to do) to my body are dire.  If I don’t change I’ll die.  Maybe not today or tomorrow, but eventually my body will say “enough” and that will be it.  When my doctor did blood work recently, she called and told me I had to go to the ER to get a potassium replacement because my potassium was so low.  Now I’m having to take supplements to try to keep it at a normal level, because low potassium can cause all sorts of issues, such as irregular heartbeat, muscle cramps, chills, headaches, nausea/vomiting and extreme fatigue.  (That would explain the fact I’m wearing a sweatshirt in 85 degree weather.)  My doctor doesn’t know I’ve been purging, although I did tell my psychiatrist about it at my appointment this past Tuesday.

So here I am.  I feel shittier than usual physically because of what I’ve done to myself.   Mom is scared and doesn’t know what to do.  I’m scared and I feel stuck in this viscous cycle.  I honestly thought I was getting better, and then bam! I’m back to old behaviors.

It all boils down to self-worth:  Do I feel, do I know, that I’m worthy of getting better and healthier?  I don’t know the answer to that question yet and until I do, I doubt I’ll change.  You have to want it bad enough and you have to believe that you deserve it.  I thought I was making progress in that regard but maybe obviously not.  But there is hope and I’m hanging on to that as hard as I can.

Still, this is how I feel today:

express

If you’re still reading this, thank you for listening.

xoxo

I’m Sorry

“I’m sorry I left you so long in the dark.”

– Leigh Bardugo, Shadow and Bone

This is what I should say to the little girl inside me who was so hurt and scared for continuing the abuse myself long after my abusers stopped.  Because despite the damage they did, my war with myself has been much more lethal than anything they could ever have said or done to me.  I set out to systematically destroy and sabotage and I’ve done a damn good job of it.  But I’ve been thinking lately that maybe it’s time the punishment finally stopped.  Maybe I’ve done enough penance for … I don’t know what, actually.  I’ve made mistakes, I’ve hurt people, and I know that.  But in my core I’m a decent person and I deserve a shot at happiness.

That’s what I’m telling myself today, in this moment anyway.

“I’m sorry I left you so long in the dark.”

And I am.  I am so, so sorry.  I’m sorry that I believed the lies they leveled at you over what I knew to be true; I took their poison and let it run through my veins.  I’m sorry for the scars and the scathing words.  I’m sorry I hurt you by binging and purging and hiding from the light.  I did the best I could at the time, but that rings so hollow now.

I love you, little girl.  And from now on, I want to protect you and nurture you in a way I never have before.  It’s time to heal.

healbrokenheart

Emotions

This collage was made by me after one of my therapy sessions. It’s crude, but I still love it, because I was able to express many emotions I couldn’t (and in some ways still can’t) speak. It’s about my struggle with an eating disorder, and self-harm, and the traumatic aftermath of being sexually abused.

I hope it says something to you, and if it does, please feel free to comment. Even if you don’t, thank you for looking and sharing a vulnerable moment with me.

xo
Lauren

(the middle section is actually a photomanipulation I did, if you wish to see the original, it’s here: The Perfect Stomach)

collage_lauren