F5 : Five Words That Rocked My Childhood

“No.  I am your father.”

Darth Vader to Luke in “Star Wars: Episode V – The Empire Strikes Back”

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My Dad took me to see this when it came out since he and I were huge “Star Wars” fans — my mom, not at all (still not at all, despite my best efforts.  Side story:  She fell asleep when I took her to see “Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.”  Sigh.)  We walked out of the theater and he asked me if I’d liked it.  I nodded.  He asked me if I was okay.  I nodded.  He asked me if I was sure I was okay.  I nodded, then burst out, “He can’t be Luke’s father!”  I was so upset that night I went home and went right to bed.

It sounds silly, but that was a pivotal moment for me as a child.  It was the moment I realized good people can come from bad people/places.  I was so shocked that someone as good as Luke could come from someone as evil as Darth Vader that it took me a couple weeks to really process it.  Of course, that also gave me a good excuse to make my Dad take me to see it several more times.  😉

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about: I’ve had an idea kicking around in my head about doing a new “feature” here called Friday Five.  Anything from lists to words to … whatever this chaotic mind of mine dreams up, as long as it’s done in fives.  Suggestions are always welcome and if anyone else wants to participate, I’d love it.  Anything goes as long as it’s a five in some fashion.  =)

The Girl Loves Autumn

Thinking about the many colors of autumn, of course I thought of reds and golds and oranges.  But this is my favorite season and I wanted to approach this in a slightly different way by sharing some of the other colors and ideas that come to my mind; my autumn also includes teal, hot pink, purple, turquoise, grey and black.  As the days darken, my mood lightens, and I’m excited to share my take on this.  =)

 

 

🎃 ♥ 🎃 ♥ 🎃 ♥ 🎃

find more autumn inspiration :  Photo Friday Challenge

Unworthy

This is the letter I sent to my father four months ago.  I gave him my e-mail, my cell, my landline, my address … and I have yet to hear one word from him.  I’m not even worth enough to him to waste the cost of a stamp or the seconds it takes to send a “fuck off” e-mail.

i. am. nothing.

(God this hurts.  No wonder I either eat my pain or slice it away.)

~x♥

Dear Dad,

 

It’s Laurie. I’m sure you’re shocked to be hearing from me, but I hope you’ll read this all the way through. I’m not asking for money or anything like that; there are just a few things I wanted to say to you while I have the courage.

I had to look up your address to send this to you and I see you’re in TN now. I’ve seen photos (not to mention vague remembrances of being there myself) and it’s really beautiful there – peaceful. I bet you’re a lot happier there. At least I hope you are. Being away from the city would be wonderful. I’m realizing the value of your own space and what “home” really means every day.

I don’t want to rehash the past or who did what, because it isn’t necessary. You warned me once about “the man in the mirror” and you were right. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror every day, and that’s my own fault, just like our estrangement is my fault. But I also want you to know that I’ve always loved you and I always will. You’ll always be my Dad and in my heart, and in my memories of looking for arrowheads and the “talking” car light named Shawn and my feeling so damn proud listening to you play the guitar at the **** Friday nights. Though I’m not a country music fan, I have a full collection of Kenny Rogers (I still love “Coward of the County”). It hurts that you aren’t part of my life and most of the time I try to shove it deep down where I can’t feel it but sometimes that’s impossible. And I want to tell you I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you leave/distrust me and that if I could change things, I would.  One thing I’m deeply sorry and ashamed for is the fact I took Mom’s maiden name. I thought if I changed my name I would hurt less, and that I would somehow change and because this awesome new person who didn’t screw up all the time … but it made things hurt even more and became another screw up (one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, of my life). I’m still Laurie ***** and always will be. You need to know that.

I know you can’t stand me now, so this isn’t fair, but the reason I’m writing to you is that I just – please, please, please I need to hear from you that at one point you loved me and were happy to be my father (assuming that’s true – if it’s not, then tell me that). Please. Please. I’ve lost so much of my life, Dad, and I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to find peace. If I could just know at one point I was worth something, maybe it would help. I know I have no right to ask you for anything but I’m asking (obviously more like begging) anyway.

I really, really hope you’ll respond to this, and say whatever you need or want to say, however harsh or hurtful it may be. I mean obviously, I’m hoping that you won’t say I was a mistake, but if that’s how you feel, say it. I just need to know how you feel about me, if you feel anything, and I will never bother you again. I owe you that much.  I’m sorry Dad.  Whatever I did to cause you to hate me, I’m sorry.  Please forgive me.

I love you, Daddy. No matter what. I hope you’ll be happy and enjoy your life. I wonder if you still go to pistol matches?

 

Love,

Laurie

All I Needed Was Jack Wagner

He was the first concert I ever went to, on Halloween with my mom.
He was the first concert I ever went to, on Halloween with my mom.  I ended up seeing him in concert a total of 3x. (Yes, that’s what I said.  3x.  bite me.  ;))

 

{enjoy the silence at Wordless Wednesday}

Weekly Photo Challenge: Nostalgic

This is a bit late because I had a hard time with this challenge; there were a lot of things that came to mind.  What I finally decided on was my first time at Girl Scout Camp.   These humid summer nights remind me of my time at Camp Ken-Jockety.  We would go to the bathroom in the dark with only flashlights, we had campfires complete with singing and ghost stories (my favorite!); we went swimming and I made a lot of friends.  The beginning of camp was rough for me because my father was threatening my mother at the time, and I kept thinking I had to be at home to protect her, so I was really homesick.  That’s why one of the camp counselors has a blue “H” on her forehead.  When I got home, I was so mad at her I wrote on her face and colored her lips blue, lol.  She was (I thought) very tough on me — I was so scared and she basically told me to get over it.  By the third day, I mostly had, but I never forgot the way she treated me.

And yet, if I could go back, even with her as a counselor … I would go in a heartbeat.  I wish I could go back.   It was a great experience and sometimes when I sit outside at night and listen to the crickets or smell wood burning, I remember my experience there.

So for the nostalgia theme, I present my official camp photo from August 1981; it was taken the last day we were there.  I’m the girl in the first row, fourth from the right — the one squinting, wearing a Mickey Mouse tank top and a goofy grin.   The handwriting is my Mom’s.  🙂

girlscoutcamp_lauren
now I remember … I *was* young once.

And here is a little “clipping” I found:

campkenjockety

Check out other entries at Weekly Photo Challenge: Nostalgic.