My fat is a symptom of my loss of safety. My binge-eating is a symptom of my chronic emptiness. My scars are a symptom of my inability to regulate my self-hatred and extreme emotions. My anxiety is a symptom of my fear of both the known and unknown. My nightmares are a symptom of the abuse and terror I have experienced.
I am lost and I am shattered, but I am not over.
The fact that I am still alive is a symptom of my strength and hope that I can still get better.
Starting this week, I’m going to be going deeper in my posts by sharing some of my issues with my eating disorder. These posts will most likely be triggering, or a cause of judgment, so what I’m going to do is clearly mark the posts and have the content below the cut and you can choose whether to read it or not. This is not going to be easy for me, but it’s either do this or start an anonymous blog to discuss what I’m going through, and I really don’t want to have to do that. So just a heads up.
Hope everyone’s weekend is going well. I’ve been barely able to function this week (hence my thoughts about going deeper here).
I hate it when the darkness goes from soothing to scary.
~ love & light
Just a quick pop-in to say I’m still alive and kicking, and I’m really, really sorry that I haven’t been commenting or liking much. I’m just feeling so awful … nauseous, shaky, dizzy. My sugars are still way out of control and it’s impacting everything at the moment, including my vision (blurry much?!) and my memory. I have to get myself under control. I can’t keep living this way.
Heidi-ho, neighbor! (If anyone remembers what show that’s from, I would be shocked. :))
I’m purposely avoiding any hurtful topics today, because I’m feeling the need to binge and I don’t want to do anything to trigger myself more. I checked my blood glucose level last night because I wasn’t feeling well, and it was so high my meter couldn’t give me a reading (which means it was above 600). My mom nearly went into hysterics and wanted to take me to the ER, which would technically be the right thing to do, but I convinced her I didn’t need to go and I took some more insulin. But I have to admit when my meter flashed “EXTREME HIGH GLUCOSE” twice, then told me that meant my blood sugar was over 600, inwardly my first thought was there’s just too much going on, I can’t take it, my eating disorder is winning this war and I should just kill myself because I’m going to die anyway so why draw it out? Instead I took a Klonopin, took a deep breath and then went to bed. I know I need to deal with this but … not today. I woke up determined to just chill.
So I decided that meant today I’d do something I love which is finding new (to me) fonts. I’ve loved fonts since I was a kid. I used to design a*d*u*l*t websites for girlfriends of mine who worked in the telephone industry (ahem) and one of my favorite things was deciding which font to use for what page based on their theme. I haven’t done any designing in a long time — we’re talking back in 2005, 2006. I used a program to do the basic website and then I did the CSS coding and graphics myself. Anyway, playing with fonts was the best part of the whole thing. When I’m searching for new fonts I lose track of time and that was a very good thing today.
I thought tonight I would share a few of my favorite (and free) fonts. I can’t be the only one out there who loves this four-letter word. Right? (Please say I’m right. :)) If anyone has a favorite font I’d love to hear about it! I’m always on the prowl for new ones, lol. I feel so nerdy but it really makes me happy; gleeful; almost euphoric, actually. (Which reminds me, this is posted in a new category I’ve created called “bliss.” Hopefully I’ll be posting in this category often to help me focus on the things that bring me delight.)
To all the east coasters, I hope you’re safe and warm!! love to you all,
Anger. I want need to find a way to live in peace. I’m exhausted. And this angry person isn’t who I want to be. This isn’t how I want to live.
My Eating Disorder. I’ve been up and down the scale and, again, I’m exhausted. The weight I gained is a direct result of my bad decisions and the damage done to my body, and my weight was supposed to be my protection except … it didn’t protect me. Bad things still happened. And all of it — the bingeing, the purging, the starving — is literally killing me. Which brings me to my next one …
Numbers. I need to worry about my health, not about the number on a scale. Yes, part of being healthy is being a healthy weight, but at this point I need to focus a lot less on the numbers and a lot more on eating mindfully, paying attention to the warning signs before a binge/purge session, etc. These are the things that will get me healthier, not obsessing over the scale. I’ve already done that. If it worked, I would be a size you-can’t-even-see-me. It’s time for something new.
My dad. I have to let him go or the pain is just going to continue to eat me alive. I’ve done everything I can to try to reconcile and he doesn’t want that. I can’t do anything about it, I can’t force him to want to be my dad, so I have to let go. (Even typing that slices at me.)
Self-loathing. It seems like most of these are tied together, but they’re still separate issues. I need to stop judging myself so harshly and with so much hatred. If I work on positive self-talk instead of negative, that’s going to help with all the other things I’ve mentioned above. This is going to be the toughest one of all for me, I think, because even though my abusers are either dead or out of my life, I took over their roles. I’ve abused myself longer and with more cruelty than they were even capable of. It needs to STOP.
I haven’t formulated a plan yet for how to accomplish these things, but I think this is a good start. Tonight I’m going to write these down on a piece of clean white paper and burn them.