Here But Not

Just a quick pop-in to say I’m still alive and kicking, and I’m really, really sorry that I haven’t been commenting or liking much.  I’m just feeling so awful … nauseous, shaky, dizzy.  My sugars are still way out of control and it’s impacting everything at the moment, including my vision (blurry much?!) and my memory.  I have to get myself under control.  I can’t keep living this way.

In the meantime … please don’t give up on me.

The Pain Isn’t All In My Head

In late October, I had my first visit with Dr. R, a rheumatologist.  I’ve been having problems with my left hand (gripping things, opening things, pain, shaking) and with my knee (feels like it was grinding bone against bone).  I found out a lot during the visit and from the subsequent blood work.

#1) I have fibromyalgia.  My mom had diagnosed me with it (she diagnosis everything, lol), and I had staunchly argued that it wasn’t possible.  I was backed up my primary care doctor, who told me the chronic, deep-down-pain-in-my-bones was “just the depression.”  If my attitude improved, so would the pain.  She dismissed it, so I did too — it’s thanks to my Mom I finally saw a doctor who listened and believed.  When Dr. R. started touching the fibro trigger points, even though I tried not to react, I made involuntary noises of pain and Dr. R. said immediately: “You have fibromyalgia and it’s crazy active.  How have you been getting through in so much pain?”  When she said that I teared up, because it was someone saying it isn’t my fault and the pain is real.  She reacted with kindness, not condescension.

It’s also thanks to my Mom we finally got updated x-rays of my knees and found out I have moderately advanced tricompartmental degenerative osteoarthritis in one knee and osteoarthritis in the other.  My primary care doctor had to swallow her words on that one as well.  I would say, “HAHA!” except I have to live with these diagnoses.  On second thought … HAHA and an extra HA!  I wish I had been stronger with my doctor and sought relief sooner, but after being told so many times in my life that this pain was psychosomatic, I had started to believe it was in my head.  That I’m weak and crazy.  I’ve learned now that I shouldn’t let doctors dismiss my pain because of my mental health issues.  The pain isn’t all in my head.

2) My vitamin D is low.  Really low.  Normal range is generally accepted to be 20 – 50 ng/mL and anything under 12 ng/mL indicates vitamin D deficiency.  Mine is 7.  That, my friends, is a clear cut indication of what a shitty diet I have.  I’m eating a lot, but my body is still starving for nutrients.  This has given me something to think about and maybe it’s another a call to action for me to change, or at least take some baby steps towards a healthier diet.

3) This one is good news: It’s taken a year to happen, but my kidney function has improved quite a bit.  My GFR has gone from 17 to 44.7, and my creatinine has lowered from 2.83 to 1.3.  That means that I am considered “stable” and my outlook is a lot better than it was last October.  At that point I was almost hospitalized because of my kidney impairment.  My Mom was scared, but I was having moments of happiness because I thought that meant that I might die and not have to feel guilty about it.  All I would have to do is the opposite of what I was told (i.e. keep taking Advil/NSAIDs).  Sick thoughts, I know, but that’s where I was at with it then.  Now … I think I’m glad I persevered.

Maybe I’m having an “up” day, or maybe this is a real shift in my thinking, but either way I’m feeling like I want to start down a healthier path.  I could start by keeping a journal of everything I eat, no matter how little or how much.  I think that would be a good start, don’t you?



You know you’re an addict when you crawl out of bed just to write a post complaining that you’re still sick.


Thank you for all of the comments/likes.  I’ll get back to all of them as soon as I’m able to sit up without the room spinning.

Be well!