Top 5 Things I Want to Let Go of in 2015

These aren’t in any particular order.

  1.  Anger.  I want need to find a way to live in peace.  I’m exhausted.  And this angry person isn’t who I want to be.  This isn’t how I want to live.
  2.  My Eating Disorder.  I’ve been up and down the scale and, again, I’m exhausted.  The weight I gained is a direct result of my bad decisions and the damage done to my body, and my weight was supposed to be my protection except … it didn’t protect me.  Bad things still happened.  And all of it — the bingeing, the purging, the starving — is literally killing me.  Which brings me to my next one …
  3.   Numbers.  I need to worry about my health, not about the number on a scale.  Yes, part of being healthy is being a healthy weight, but at this point I  need to focus a lot less on the numbers and a lot more on eating mindfully, paying attention to the warning signs before a binge/purge session, etc.  These are the things that will get me healthier, not obsessing over the scale.  I’ve already done that.  If it worked, I would be a size you-can’t-even-see-me.  It’s time for something new.
  4.   My dad.  I have to let him go or the pain is just going to continue to eat me alive.  I’ve done everything I can to try to reconcile and he doesn’t want that.  I can’t do anything about it, I can’t force him to want to be my dad, so I have to let go.  (Even typing that slices at me.)
  5.   Self-loathing.   It seems like most of these are tied together, but they’re still separate issues.  I need to stop judging myself so harshly and with so much hatred.  If I work on positive self-talk instead of negative, that’s going to help with all the other things I’ve mentioned above.  This is going to be the toughest one of all for me, I think, because even though my abusers are either dead or out of my life, I took over their roles.  I’ve abused myself longer and with more cruelty than they were even capable of.  It needs to STOP.

I haven’t formulated a plan yet for how to accomplish these things, but I think this is a good start.  Tonight I’m going to write these down on a piece of clean white paper and burn them.

Let’s make 2015 fucking Brilliant!!

Merry Christmas …

… to those who celebrate it, and to those who don’t, brightest blessings to you.  I wish all of you love and happy spirits and want you to know I am grateful for being given the gift of getting to know you.  We’re racing towards 2015; let’s make it the best year yet!!  (but that’s a post for next week. :))

💗 💗
Lauren

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My First Christmas
mom&mekid2

 

Laid Back Lucy

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Lucy on her perch.

 

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Lucy asleep on the Christmas tree skirt that she is NOT supposed to be laying on. 🙂

 

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Lucy saying “Whatever.”

 

I ♥ my little girl.  =)

 

My Take On Thanksgiving Dinner

First of all, I hope those of you who celebrate it had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  Instead of cooking, Mom and I went to Cracker Barrel and I snapped a few photos of things that interested me during our dinner.  Things other than food, although wait — there are beverages.  Does that count?

These were all taken with my cell phone.

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Mom has had this flannel shirt for three years and it’s become her Thanksgiving shirt.  When I see it, I immediately feel the warmth of our family and remember past Thanksgivings.

If Mom is wearing this shirt, it's Thanksgiving
If Mom is wearing this shirt, it’s Thanksgiving

Whenever we go to Cracker Barrel, I’m fascinated by the high ceilings and the vintage items that adorn the walls.  Every time I  look around like I’ve never been there before, and Mom says, “Why are you looking around like that?  You’ve seen it all before.”  Doesn’t matter.  I still find something new in the old.

Old is new to me.
Old is new to me.

I love hot chocolate.  Nothing else to say about that.  😀

yum yum yum.
yum yum yum.

Our two mugs symbolize being together for the holidays.  Mom’s poison is coffee (lots of coffee) and you already know what mine is, lol.   As you can see, I’m the lucky one here because my mug is fairly full and Mom’s is not.  😉

coffee and hot chocolate = family dinner
coffee and hot chocolate = family dinner

One thing I did right:  I had plain water in addition to the hc.

straight H2O.  Good girl, Lauren.
straight H2O. Good girl, Lauren.

Mom decided she wanted to try her hand at cell phone photography, and here is her best shot.  (LOL!!)  I find it kind of artistic and I actually like it.  I’m going to have it printed when I get my other photos developed.  But what is it?  Damned if I know.  😀

what is this?  your guess is as good as mine  ;D
your guess is as good as mine ;D

 

Finally, a brief video of my favorite place at the restaurant: the fireplace.  I could sit there and stare into the fire for ages.  The only downside was the noise drowned out the crackling of the fire.  But we can ignore that, so please, come sit with me and gaze into the fire for a few seconds.

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I hope you enjoyed my version of the holiday! ~xx

Unworthy

This is the letter I sent to my father four months ago.  I gave him my e-mail, my cell, my landline, my address … and I have yet to hear one word from him.  I’m not even worth enough to him to waste the cost of a stamp or the seconds it takes to send a “fuck off” e-mail.

i. am. nothing.

(God this hurts.  No wonder I either eat my pain or slice it away.)

~x♥

Dear Dad,

 

It’s Laurie. I’m sure you’re shocked to be hearing from me, but I hope you’ll read this all the way through. I’m not asking for money or anything like that; there are just a few things I wanted to say to you while I have the courage.

I had to look up your address to send this to you and I see you’re in TN now. I’ve seen photos (not to mention vague remembrances of being there myself) and it’s really beautiful there – peaceful. I bet you’re a lot happier there. At least I hope you are. Being away from the city would be wonderful. I’m realizing the value of your own space and what “home” really means every day.

I don’t want to rehash the past or who did what, because it isn’t necessary. You warned me once about “the man in the mirror” and you were right. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror every day, and that’s my own fault, just like our estrangement is my fault. But I also want you to know that I’ve always loved you and I always will. You’ll always be my Dad and in my heart, and in my memories of looking for arrowheads and the “talking” car light named Shawn and my feeling so damn proud listening to you play the guitar at the **** Friday nights. Though I’m not a country music fan, I have a full collection of Kenny Rogers (I still love “Coward of the County”). It hurts that you aren’t part of my life and most of the time I try to shove it deep down where I can’t feel it but sometimes that’s impossible. And I want to tell you I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you leave/distrust me and that if I could change things, I would.  One thing I’m deeply sorry and ashamed for is the fact I took Mom’s maiden name. I thought if I changed my name I would hurt less, and that I would somehow change and because this awesome new person who didn’t screw up all the time … but it made things hurt even more and became another screw up (one of the biggest, if not THE biggest, of my life). I’m still Laurie ***** and always will be. You need to know that.

I know you can’t stand me now, so this isn’t fair, but the reason I’m writing to you is that I just – please, please, please I need to hear from you that at one point you loved me and were happy to be my father (assuming that’s true – if it’s not, then tell me that). Please. Please. I’ve lost so much of my life, Dad, and I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to find peace. If I could just know at one point I was worth something, maybe it would help. I know I have no right to ask you for anything but I’m asking (obviously more like begging) anyway.

I really, really hope you’ll respond to this, and say whatever you need or want to say, however harsh or hurtful it may be. I mean obviously, I’m hoping that you won’t say I was a mistake, but if that’s how you feel, say it. I just need to know how you feel about me, if you feel anything, and I will never bother you again. I owe you that much.  I’m sorry Dad.  Whatever I did to cause you to hate me, I’m sorry.  Please forgive me.

I love you, Daddy. No matter what. I hope you’ll be happy and enjoy your life. I wonder if you still go to pistol matches?

 

Love,

Laurie