Something weird happened tonight. Mom and I were having one of our “deep discussions,” and the subject of my birth came up. Now I know she’s told me this story previously, but for some reason I never really heard it.
When Mom was pregnant with me, she was really sick. She actually lost weight instead of gaining (24 pounds, to be exact) and had to carry a bucket with her everywhere (gross, I know, but it’s important to understand the hell she went through to have me). She didn’t get to have one of those glowy-happy pregnancies. She had gall stones and a kidney infection and had to be put on bed rest for the last two months of her pregnancy. Then it took her almost 36 hours to push me out; I was a breech baby that should have been delivered via C-section but, for some odd reason, wasn’t. My parents didn’t even take a photo of me right after I was born because I had a huge dent in my forehead from being pushed out, lol. None of this is the thing I’m talking about hearing tonight but it’s all good background.
So anyway, Mom went to see her obstetrician for her follow-up and it was then he told her that it was a miracle that she had even been able to have me. Her pelvis was too narrow and there were other complications. Like I said, Mom has told me this story before … numerous times. But tonight, I heard that it was amazing she had gotten pregnant to begin with, let alone been able to bring me to full-term and successfully give birth to me. And I started thinking, maybe I’m not a mistake. Maybe there really is a reason I’m here. (Still here, I should say, after several suicide attempts.) And for the first time in a long time, I feel a spark of hope. Mom and I both overcame the odds to have each other as family. What she went through can’t have been for nothing; what I’ve gone through can’t have been for nothing. I don’t know what my purpose is, but even the idea that I could have a purpose is such a foreign thought that it made me smile — I’m talking a full-teeth grin. It also made her smile when I expressed what I was thinking.
Moments like these are meant to be cherished and I do.
♥ love & light