Maybe There IS A Reason

Something weird happened tonight.  Mom and I were having one of our “deep discussions,” and the subject of my birth came up.  Now I know she’s told me this story previously, but for some reason I never really heard it.

When Mom was pregnant with me, she was really sick.  She actually lost weight instead of gaining (24 pounds, to be exact) and had to carry a bucket with her everywhere (gross, I know, but it’s important to understand the hell she went through to have me).  She didn’t get to have one of those glowy-happy pregnancies.  She had gall stones and a kidney infection and had to be put on bed rest for the last two months of her pregnancy.  Then it took her almost 36 hours to push me out; I was a breech baby that should have been delivered via C-section but, for some odd reason, wasn’t.  My parents didn’t even take a photo of me right after I was born because I had a huge dent in my forehead from being pushed out, lol.  None of this is the thing I’m talking about hearing tonight but it’s all good background.

So anyway, Mom went to see her obstetrician for her follow-up and it was then he told her that it was a miracle that she had even been able to have me.  Her pelvis was too narrow and there were other complications.  Like I said, Mom has told me this story before … numerous times.  But tonight, I heard that it was amazing she had gotten pregnant to begin with, let alone been able to bring me to full-term and successfully give birth to me.  And I started thinking, maybe I’m not a mistake.  Maybe there really is a reason I’m here.  (Still here, I should say, after several suicide attempts.)  And for the first time in a long time, I feel a spark of hope.  Mom and I both overcame the odds to have each other as family.  What she went through can’t have been for nothing; what I’ve gone through can’t have been for nothing.  I don’t know what my purpose is, but even the idea that I could have a purpose is such a foreign thought that it made me smile — I’m talking a full-teeth grin.  It also made her smile when I expressed what I was thinking.

Moments like these are meant to be cherished and I do.
♥ love & light

Happy Birthday, Sam 🎂

Today is Sam’s 11th birthday.  I adopted him when he was three and it’s been an amazing eight years.  I’m so grateful for Sam; he brings me immeasurable love and joy.  Happy birthday, my eldest furkid!!!

💗  💙  🐾 💜 💗

sammy11th

6WS : 1/10/2015

Freedom trumps fear in Paris, France.

Aurelien Meunier / Getty Images
Aurelien Meunier / Getty Images

I stand with you and raise my voice with yours:  We are NOT afraid!!!

Lauren is Charlie
Lauren is Charlie (sorry for the messiness but it’s hard to write with your fingers. :))

 

Six Words Can Say a Lot:  Show My Face 6WS

Top 5 Things I Want to Let Go of in 2015

These aren’t in any particular order.

  1.  Anger.  I want need to find a way to live in peace.  I’m exhausted.  And this angry person isn’t who I want to be.  This isn’t how I want to live.
  2.  My Eating Disorder.  I’ve been up and down the scale and, again, I’m exhausted.  The weight I gained is a direct result of my bad decisions and the damage done to my body, and my weight was supposed to be my protection except … it didn’t protect me.  Bad things still happened.  And all of it — the bingeing, the purging, the starving — is literally killing me.  Which brings me to my next one …
  3.   Numbers.  I need to worry about my health, not about the number on a scale.  Yes, part of being healthy is being a healthy weight, but at this point I  need to focus a lot less on the numbers and a lot more on eating mindfully, paying attention to the warning signs before a binge/purge session, etc.  These are the things that will get me healthier, not obsessing over the scale.  I’ve already done that.  If it worked, I would be a size you-can’t-even-see-me.  It’s time for something new.
  4.   My dad.  I have to let him go or the pain is just going to continue to eat me alive.  I’ve done everything I can to try to reconcile and he doesn’t want that.  I can’t do anything about it, I can’t force him to want to be my dad, so I have to let go.  (Even typing that slices at me.)
  5.   Self-loathing.   It seems like most of these are tied together, but they’re still separate issues.  I need to stop judging myself so harshly and with so much hatred.  If I work on positive self-talk instead of negative, that’s going to help with all the other things I’ve mentioned above.  This is going to be the toughest one of all for me, I think, because even though my abusers are either dead or out of my life, I took over their roles.  I’ve abused myself longer and with more cruelty than they were even capable of.  It needs to STOP.

I haven’t formulated a plan yet for how to accomplish these things, but I think this is a good start.  Tonight I’m going to write these down on a piece of clean white paper and burn them.

Let’s make 2015 fucking Brilliant!!

New Day

I just wanted to check in and let everyone know that things are much better this morning.  I’m determined to keep calm today.  I re-read my post from earlier this morning and yes, I want things to change in 2015 but I am the one who has to make it happen.  I can’t control what anyone else says or does but I can learn to control my reaction to it.  (Or so wise people tell me.  :))

So this afternoon I choose to start over and maintain hope — while at the same time trying to formulate a plan.  And I look at this photo to make me smile.

What's on the agenda today, Bob? -says a duck.
What’s on the agenda today, Bob? -says a duck.

 

P.S.  I did not self-harm last night.   ♥