I received mail from my insurance company a few weeks ago and I’ve been avoiding it because I was afraid of what it would contain. Even I realized I’m at the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore, so I opened it today. And got exactly the news I expected: My premiums are going up.
Since I had worried this would happen, I know what my next move is and I’m prepared. The new plan will have a lower premium and some of my co-pays will be lower as well. Great news, right? There’s just one small problem. My current psychiatrist, who I like and actually have a rapport with, does not accept the new insurance. And I can’t afford to be a self-pay patient. Which means I have to find a new psychiatrist. And over half of the psychiatrists who are on the provider list for my new insurance are not accepting new patients.
As I said, I’ve been planning for this, so I titrated off my meds the day I received the correspondence from the insurance company. I’m not sure how well I’m coping without them but there’s nothing else to do, and now that I realize I do indeed have to switch, it seems I made the right decision. Like most cities, our mental health system is overstressed, overwhelmed and underfunded and who knows when or if I’ll be able to find a new psychiatrist. It took me over a year to find my current pdoc.
I cancelled my appointment with her for this month because I saw no reason to see her again since I can’t continue with her. I can’t deal with losing someone else I liked and who seemed to care about me. I can’t deal with saying goodbye. She didn’t treat me like a borderline, she treated me like a person who is in pain but who could (would) recover. I’ve been trying not to think about this too hard but now that it’s real, it hurts way more than I’d expected and I’m scared. I made the fatal mistake of letting myself care for her and I’m kicking myself because I should have learned by now that’s dangerous. I lose everyone, one way or another. I didn’t want to lose her.
I don’t know what else to say. My heart is bleeding.