6WS Special Edition : Sam ♥♥

My baby boy is now 12.

I walked into my room and found Sam sleeping with my elephant, Dizzy, and had to take this shot.  He turned 12 this month and I am so blessed and grateful to have him.  I adopted him when he was 3 years old from the shelter and, although at the time I had planned on getting a puppy, the minute I saw him on the humane society’s website I had to meet him.  I had to go through two interviews and meet him three times because he was a “special adoptable” due to his severe separation anxiety and panic attacks; his owners would go away for days and leave him on his own.  They ended up abandoning him because they bought a new house and he made a mess during one of their extended absences.  When I adopted him, he was sad and scared, but he still reached out to me and loved me.  At that time, he wouldn’t let me out of his sight.  If I went outside without him, he cried and had an accident.  Today Sam is independent and happy and people are shocked when they find out he’s old, lol.  Because of his energy and his personality, they think he’s a puppy.  The best thing people say to me is, “He’s such a happy dog!”  (Well, that and when they talk about how cute he is, because I know I’m totally biased, but I think he’s off-the-charts adorable, lol.)

Sam is a light in my life and brings me joy every. single. day.

Thank you, Sam, for being my furry child.  Thank you for being you.

— ♥ — ♥ —

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Symptom

My fat is a symptom of my loss of safety.  My binge-eating is a symptom of my chronic emptiness.  My scars are a symptom of my inability to regulate my self-hatred and extreme emotions.  My anxiety is a symptom of my fear of both the known and unknown.  My nightmares are a symptom of the abuse and terror I have experienced.

I am lost and I am shattered, but I am not over.

The fact that I am still alive is a symptom of my strength and hope that I can still get better.

— ♥ — ♥ —

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Maybe There IS A Reason

Something weird happened tonight.  Mom and I were having one of our “deep discussions,” and the subject of my birth came up.  Now I know she’s told me this story previously, but for some reason I never really heard it.

When Mom was pregnant with me, she was really sick.  She actually lost weight instead of gaining (24 pounds, to be exact) and had to carry a bucket with her everywhere (gross, I know, but it’s important to understand the hell she went through to have me).  She didn’t get to have one of those glowy-happy pregnancies.  She had gall stones and a kidney infection and had to be put on bed rest for the last two months of her pregnancy.  Then it took her almost 36 hours to push me out; I was a breech baby that should have been delivered via C-section but, for some odd reason, wasn’t.  My parents didn’t even take a photo of me right after I was born because I had a huge dent in my forehead from being pushed out, lol.  None of this is the thing I’m talking about hearing tonight but it’s all good background.

So anyway, Mom went to see her obstetrician for her follow-up and it was then he told her that it was a miracle that she had even been able to have me.  Her pelvis was too narrow and there were other complications.  Like I said, Mom has told me this story before … numerous times.  But tonight, I heard that it was amazing she had gotten pregnant to begin with, let alone been able to bring me to full-term and successfully give birth to me.  And I started thinking, maybe I’m not a mistake.  Maybe there really is a reason I’m here.  (Still here, I should say, after several suicide attempts.)  And for the first time in a long time, I feel a spark of hope.  Mom and I both overcame the odds to have each other as family.  What she went through can’t have been for nothing; what I’ve gone through can’t have been for nothing.  I don’t know what my purpose is, but even the idea that I could have a purpose is such a foreign thought that it made me smile — I’m talking a full-teeth grin.  It also made her smile when I expressed what I was thinking.

Moments like these are meant to be cherished and I do.
♥ love & light